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Becoming more positive (Cancer battle continues)
At the start of day, we were full of positive energy, that was the start of yesterday, tunes pumping upbeat, positive energy. Even when my body did start to dip I was still looking and finding positives. It’s such a shame FaceTime was so bad a connection last night. But at least I had a conversation with the man I needed to who understands. Not only the human body in depth but has faced times like this before. I so wish I had a bike Stepper of like. But I do press ups and walk around nearly all day.
We both, (me and my wife) find ways of coping, I don’t think my Andie would ever see me this way, nor did I if the truth be known. Funny isn’t it how a strong man, never gets asked how he is. Only my true friends have ever done that.

I drift off on holidays in my mind, face demons head on, and keep inching forwards. Yesterday afternoon I found I was not in any control of my emotions what so ever. The tequniques I had been using did not work. I got hugly depressed (not suicidal) but actually wanted to say a word no one is allowed to say in my room. It has can in it with a t at the end of the word. Your not allowed to say that here, no matter what your focus has to be about that moment in time. Never looking to far forwards. The tunnel annalegy is incorrect in here. (Iam finding anyway) I use my dads theory more now of dealing with each moment and getting through that. Only focusing on tomorrow when it arrives. 

 In where u don’t find positives, u have to find them somewhere. U have to actively search. My Twitter feed @fonzmark is just full of positive quote after positive. 
Please know I will rise again and I will do this (focus bk Skyman) it’s not a journey anyone can do. It takes guts to have the strength of mind when u don’t have a functioning mind in the first place. (Because treatment is destroying who you are) 
1 thing I have learned, there is no such thing as a normal day in here. You can’t exsect certain things to happen u just have mins to deal with that are IMPOSSIBLE that somehow you make possible.
I hope this helps u all. But seriously going to work, screaming kids, these are all minute details we just do. In here its a creation of a day everyday. All this info whilst not had these times of despair before will help others that have to walk this walk in the future. 
But we are here, I don’t get any help from some people at all, shameful self obsessed people that think they are … Well no idea, they just watch. I wanna say more but I must try my best to get some hours under my belt that will be ticked off whilst I sleep. Day +5 now means day after tomorrow I will start to come back +6 is today’s focus. I am thank ful for you all. Mark