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today is exactly 2 months since I entered the room to have my bone marrow transplant. WOW. I can still remember the feelings of helplessness. I had never felt like that in my life, I had always had some control on the direction of my life. I was on my own, isolated in a 15 ft x 12ft room fo a minimum of 3 weeks. I have talked about how I used my mind in earlier blogs, but there were other ways I used to get through. For instance, I did press ups, but found doing them on the floor impossible. Where there is a will. I did them on a chair instead.

I remember having a wad of money in my shaving bag, so that in my mind. If I wanted to leave at any point I could jump in a taxi and go the 40 odd miles home. I would die but I had the option. That gave me a degree of control that I was in charge of my own destiny. Now why am I writing this? To impress you? No to encourage you. You see it’s like this.

I did not think I could do it, I didn’t think I could survive in that room in 1 piece. I believed I would fall apart, that I would start to think irrationally, lose me. You know who I was, what I had become, that I actually quite liked. Now if your sat there thinking, 3 weeks in a room isolated… “Yea I can do that” do it then see. It is actually impossible, but yet there are so many that have survived stem cell transplant. So many that have done it, so it’s not impossible then. 

Yes it is, but 1 second isn’t, 1 minute isn’t. So I guessed I just had to string a few of those together to make an hour. Then that’s 1 impossible hour done. That’s how I did it, I looked forwards to my Starbucks with a shot of Kenya in it every morning. My wife brought it in every day. Man it became the highlight of my day. You had to drink so much in there even though you were attached to a drip stand. I walked every day, even with my drip stand I was walking up and down the room. It didn’t go well as I kept getting the cables wrapped around me as I walked. You had to have this wreched sick pump attached to you all day and night. You would try to plug a charger in whilst knelt in the hicc an line. Yup it did hurt, didn’t stop me nearly pulling it out of my chest again though.

I guess the point is to encourage you, your able to do far more than you think you can. But sometimes you just gotta let go and allow yourself to do something. Even if you think it’s not possible it’s amazing how many small bits add up to what we saw as impossible.