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The doctors say I will get stronger, when? I am so sick of feeling weak, being weak. Digging in to gain more strength. When will it end, there are things I want to do, people I want to bless and I can’t all because of bloody cancer. I hate the word, I hate being weak. I hate feeling inadequate. I am, there is no getting away from it. I am not me. The true reality of recovery, is not just getting over cancer. It’s becoming strong again, becoming mentally strong again. My mental health, my physical strength, my hope needs to return. All aspects of life need to start afresh.

This is a real hard time in life, no one will understand where I am at unless u have been a sufferer. I want so much to be out there, but I have to rest. Bloody rest they keep telling me, I am in pieces today. Absolute bits, why because I guess that’s what fights do. They break you down, they crush you until u have nothing more to give. Jesus says, when you are weak then I am am strong. Sometime you don’t even want to live, it’s such a long battle. Such hard work every second of every day. 

I know one day I will beat this, but I long for a day I can laugh and enjoy just 1 day. To laugh without a care, to just be me without that horrible word in my life. I am angry even furious right now, why does it always have to be about cancer. When will it stop. Please wake me in a year!

Maybe you will never again see the Mark in the picture above, but the one you do see will listen more, be more considerate. Maybe even have some of the old strength back. But right now I am like a tipped over Jenga stack. I HATE CANCER! 


See that wave, I just wish it would wash all this away.