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It’s a little bit weird sat here today, I am feeling worn out. Both mentally and physically, I don’t feel I have a direction at the moment. It’s the frustration of wanting to be better, but not having the strength to do what you want to do. Everybody’s situation is different in recovery but it is sad to say that I had it in my bones which is proberbly why I get so much pain in my limbs. Although as I write my eyes are like taps running that won’t stop, I want to try and explain what’s happening. You see God gave us emotions, why would they exsist if we are not meant to use them. We all need to be able to release what ever feeling it is within us. If it’s happiness we smile or laugh, sadness we cry or get angry. I must not and cannot get angry, I have to allow myself to cry or the build up turns to rage which is not only distructive to the person that’s angry, but can be to others around us to.
Every piece of this track needs to be working correctly to get the train that runs on it to where it’s going. Every link, bolt, sleeper, and piece of metal needs to function. If a piece fails, cracks, or is not perfect it needs to be fixed or it can cause a catastrophe. It will affect thousands of people’s lives, it will affect them all for many years maybe never ever getting over the accident that happened.
But what happens if there is no tangable reason for us to be in our situation. What happens if you can’t put it down to a bad weld, or a slack bolt. What happens if it’s just a horrendous thing we have to deal with through no fault of our own. A devastating blow that hit us, that takes years to deal with then years to recover from. It’s a tough old place to be, and you know what. Sometimes you just don’t want to fight anymore, sometimes you just want to let it all out through our emotions so we CAN be strong again. So we WILL get up again to make that difference. That’s why we sleep to regain strength, but sometimes sleep is not enough. Sometimes gritting our teeth through a situation is not possible, because you have to just Let. Allow your body to do its thing.
Guess what, I cannot change the fact I have to fight, I can’t change the fact that I have had cancer twice and have had to have 30 days of my life with chemo being pumped into my veins. I cannot change any of that, I don’t want to be upset but I have to let my body do its thing. I have to allow the grief (because that’s what it is) to leave me. I am guessing what I feel is similar (no feeling is exactly the same) to losing someone close. The fact that life will never be the same again. That who you were is not who you will be. Isn’t that the same for everyday of our lives though. That we will never be who we were yesterday because. (My words) “today is yesterday’s blessing that somebody missed”.
Remember there is always someone worse off than you are, but that does not make the mountain you are climbing any less steep. It does not mean your battle is small in comparasum. You are important, your emotions are important. As a man there is a stigma that men don’t cry. What a load of crap.