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Why I blog, well for me it’s a way of communicating without leaving my house. I finally decided to do it when we were on holiday in Northumberland. When I realised that cancer was going to beat me if I didn’t have a bonemarrow transplant. 

  
I wanted a way of getting it written down and people would know what thoughts I had had, if indeed I was to die because of the transplant. It was a very real danger to me. But then as time progressed I was getting quite addicted to how many people were reading, and indeed who were not reading my blogs. I regard my blogs as honest and helpful. But to be honest (oh the irony) I feel like I am trying to swim in a place people call Blogging with out any buoyancy aids what so ever.  I don’t understand what I am supposed to do, if  there are any rules. I don’t know, all I do know is how sad I feel. That my legs won’t let me run, how walking is so painful. Yet blogging gives me a way of exspession. Oh how I need to express myself, but feel like I am just a small dot trying to get noticed in a massive sea. 

  
It seems like an impossible task to find the right audience, in fact is there a right audience? I don’t know, but what I do know is that it helps me to release myself of the thoughts I have. It’s a place where I can be me, where do I start in my quest to be a helping hand for those that are experiencing cancer.. People who are fighting to be an arm or an ear to rest on or be heard. Where are the people that need to hear what my experience was like. Where are the people that we can help.

I don’t want to waste my life chasing money, I want to enhance my life by helping others face and beat cancer. we have a site on FB called cancer stories (friends) this has helped many face different issues, even talk about things they never would have. We have had people tell their story before leaving earth. Some of the things that have happened there have been amazing. I need to help, it’s a need not a requirement but yet I feel so lost.

  
I have my hand out, with my heart on my sleeve wanting to help. I don’t want to feel ill everyday I want to feel someone’s hand in mine, to help others move forwards. Using what is available to me now, I just hope someone reads this who can help me. I know God is bigger than this, and maybe I am just not doing the right things. 

When I walked out of the hospital after my transplant, there has been no help offered to me since then. Just a person that did his treatment then left. I guess it’s a snippet of what a soldier feels like when they have served the years they signed up for now left alone. For them to find their way on civi street, away from all the people and banter. It’s similar for me trying to keep my sanity whilst having that feeling of helplessness. With no life jacket just treading water in the big blue sea.  I know God is with me but where are the doors to open, how can a door open when I can’t find one.

One day I was happy, content to have found my wife. Building a life together. Then that ended and I got cancer, I hope to find out in August if the transplant has worked. Then it’s time for a party for all those that have been there for us. 

  
Mark

All my blogs can be found at http://www.fonzandcancer.com

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