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Update – so house phones rings, it’s my consultant. I am thinking well he must be ringing to let me know the results of the needle biopsy. Alas it was inconclusive. Which means I have to have it cut out of my neck after all. Right now right at this moment I am definitely contemplating (thinking) of just not having a second lot of chemo. See the facts are I live everyday with pain in my legs, walking the dog is not even a consideration some days so I run her in the garden instead. My hands are numb most of the time, and the chemo they propose is 1500 times stronger than the last lot. They can’t tell me what damage will happen above what I have already. So I quander live what I have left. Or have the chemo that will make the damage to my body worse. Some of you know what I face, see last time I went on a trial which meant the information they learnt would save someone’s life maybe. So of course I went on the trial. There is no chance of a trial this time. It’s just to save my life. Dunno how I feel about it really, just unhappy and furious. Sorry to witter. Above was written October 2014.
Seems light years away since I wrote the above words, but every word is the truth.
I would need to go in for a pre op, it’s like an mot, or a check to see how well you are. To see if you are fit enough for an operation. The lady there had had cancer herself, she was quite upset herself talking to me as it brought it all back and I guess she was reminded what is involved in my journey ahead. We are all human, and I guess when you work in the medical profession you have a caring nature, and compassion. We have to bear that in mind when we talk to folk, it does not matter where we work. We all have feelings.
The day of the operation was Christmas Eve, I decided to drive myself to the hospital in my Rocky balboa robe that my sister had bought me. The eye of the tiger should have been playing thinking about it, it was just my way of getting strength to go through with it.
Of course I got some looks but I didn’t care, I had to find out if it was cancer again. The only way to do that was to have the mass removed from my neck. I had had this operation before, but last time I was awake whilst they took a slither sample. They said 20 minutes but it took 1hr 20mins awake and remaining still whilst they cut away. I can’t remember a time that I was more scared, I remember praying out loud for God to help me as they wheeled me into the theatre. Bear in mind I was not aware how hard cancer was to beat the first time, I just knew that being at stage 4a was very advanced. Having beaten it at that late stage, you may think I had confidence I would beat it again.
The answer to that is No. I could not have all the information, all I needed to know was what I needed to do next. What I needed to prepare myself for next, not in a few months! now. By taking 1 step at a time was vital. Although I was aware of what was ahead, all those steps had to put to the back of my mind whilst I just concentrated on what was next.
No one knows except the person who is told they have cancer what it feels like to hear those words. I can still feel that feeling, even smell what it was like. I can’t exsplain that. I remember asking my consultant questions like. What happens if I don’t have chemo, then hearing the Brutal words “you will die” Andie said my face changed at that moment.
Now you have to know, I am very very confident in how I do everything in life, I believed I would beat what ever life threw at me, I even remember Andie looking at me saying, “you can do this” I whole heartedly believed it. That I could do it what ever it was, right up until the moment I got my answer to that question. It’s hard to be told you WILL lose your life because of cancer, now I know my journey has not been as bad as some. Really..? Cancer is cancer and it’s horrific what ever has to be done to beat it.
I am documenting my journey even writing a book. Which I plan to finish before the end of the year. I want others to know that your not alone there is help out there.
You are not alone.
Now I am recovering, and still positive in my recovery, but hope everyday to help someone out there. That’s all I want to do every day, encourage you.