, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hi guys, how does today find you. I am verY conscious that people want to turn their back on the exsperiences they had fighting cancer when it’s over. This is because of a few reasons. Your brain is amazing and quickly shuts down memories that are harmful to our future. That’s why I documented my fight so I would not forget. When you fight cancer, you really do have to fight, nothing comes to you easily. It has the potential to make you lose it. What I am about to share with you is very private, but a true example of how I managed to get through the isolation side. There is a particular day I want to share with you, the day I Experienced being neutrapeenic for the first time. Bear in mind your body is capable of overcoming any emotional feeling.

Please bear with me while I exsplain. When you go into hospital to have a transplant, the chemo you have pumped into your Hickman line directly into your main arteries. The medicine flattens your blood so you have no defence against germs at all. That’s what being neutrapeenic is, having no defence system, so that when your stem cells are introduced into the body, that your body does not try to reject them. I will attempt to discribe what this feels like.

Ok so the day I am thinking of, I was so very very scared. I felt as though I was falling in my mind, not like I was falling out of a window. But like I was floating very fast towards earth from space. Totally out of control, nothing to hold on to. No where to gain strength, just falling with no way of stopping it. I was shaking bent over, dribbling as I cried with my hands clenched hard. Digging in further than I ever had, I was experiencing feelings I had never known before. Feelings of complete helplessness. Which was making me very angry, I started to imagine ways I could escape from my room, great escape style. Maybe tying sheets together to get away from the feeling you have inside of you.  My wife was sat next to me reassuring me, I remember asking her. “What’s wrong with me Andie” she did not know. We called a nurse to ask her what was going on. I was to hear the words “it’s normal what you are feeling” WOW what relief that gave me. How much relief I felt inside, so although I am out of control ( seemingly ) it was at least normal.
Many times in there I got angry, I used twitter to help me. Putting into the search box things like. Positivity, positive, encouragement, belief, anything that would give me positive vibes. Writing my blog for you helped allot as well. Although knowing my wife would be there every morning was the best thing I could wish for. When she left I would go to the bath room, and when I came out she would have gone. But in my mind she would be back in the morning. 

The hardest part of cancer treatment, is staying calm and focused whilst enduring the crap you have to face. I say have to, you have a choice to not do it. But not when you have promised your wife and best mates that you will complete the transplant to give yourself the best chance at an exstended life. Cancer stories group was a huge help, and having many people to talk to everyday was such a blessing. You have to use every conceivable tool possible to keep yourself from losing it. Having a long suffering wife is a huge blessing to. 

The purpose of this honesty is to say. You can be the very best of you in that situation, should you choose. You can achieve what ever you decide to. It boils down to a decision that you make, many things can make us angry. It’s how we respond that matters.

Have a great day


Follow me on Twitter
Everything you read are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. Please share with others, if it meant something to you it will to someone else.