Every itch, every spot, every abnormality on my skin. Anything that appears not right, you wonder. You wonder if it will return, you feel torcher day and night. It’s a fear I try to dilute with positivity, with giving to others. I try not to be scared, but sometimes when I feel itchy I remember all the hospital visits and the pain that caused. The ulcers, the sickness, the weakness, the crushed passion that I have inside me. Today I was in the pallet shed with Karl and we began to talk about our dreams, we spoke about building our dream homes. The missed opertunities along the journey of life, or some might say the choices we have made become consequences. Or just maybe you are meant to be here.
Maybe it was all supposed to happen, and what will be will be. Why worry when you can be happy, why not listen to all the advice I seem to be glad to dish out, without actually living for today myself. How do I stop these feelings of fear, the bible says “perfect love, casts out all fear” I need to be at peace. Go realise that I have done my best to be here. That I could do no more except maybe give up smoking sooner. Why did I smoke, what on earth was I thinking. Was I crazy, what were the benefits? A waste of money, a cough, phlegm, and I stank.
Why give myself a hard time for any of my life choices, I chose them. But now I crave a longer life, a healthier life. I crave to be the helping hand to many, I can’t live a life of regret. A life which is full of should have and could haves. It has to be full of, doing, smiles, laughter, happiness, freedom, faith, belief, hope and love. But where does my strength come from, the strength I have is a gift. Borne out of faith, confidence and self belief. You see not many people on earth will believe in you if you don’t. People pick up on your weaknesses and some may even try to exspoit them. I rember a dear friend said to me once. “Why don’t other people want to give, why are so many takers” well I don’t know that answer but what I do know are things like we are what we say we are.
That we can turn left or right at a junction, and who is to say that either way is right. It’s our choice after all, so why be unhappy about that choice. It’s our life that we have been given, so you know what. I have to replace the fear with something. I am going to choose belief, belief that what’s happened to me is for a reason. That what will happen to me will be for a reason, that my life is of value. That moving forwards is vital, that others opinions are just that. Theirs !
So my conclusion after this little talk with myself, this outlet. This one that you are reading right now, is the right thing to be doing, that my honesty and openness is of value. That life is of value, it’s an amazing thing to be alive and I should be grateful for what I have, not fearful of what maybe. We are given what we are given right, some get cancer and some don’t. I did but I gotta start to live now, I am going to look forwards and live by faith. By doing my best at all times possible. To live more, to give more, to dance more no matter how much my wife says it looks like dad dancing.
Follow me on Twitter
Everything you read are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. Please share with others, if it meant something to you it will to someone else.