It’s only when we think we can’t carry on that we find the real substance of a person. We have all been there, head in your hands feeling that overwhelming feeling of uselessness. That there, is where life begins. Where the real fighters start to live a life. It’s where you find out what a person is truly made of, as I write I am reminded of a time where I decided (seemingly) that I was going to have no more chemo. It was mid way through my first treatment called ABVD. For those that don’t know, my first treatment lasted 6 months. 12 chemo son in all every 2 weeks. It’s such a shame I never documented anything, no diary no thoughts. Just my memory that fails me, that I have to work with. I remember being at the end of what I could bear. 6 was enough and I did not think I could take any more.
I had chemo on a Thursday back then, my decision could be a life threatening one as cancer was in my bones, allot of organs as my deceased blood poisoned my whole body. I remember being so stubborn, saying to Andie I can’t, saying I won’t. What was I doing, why did I want to self destruct by not having treatment. I did not know what I know now with regards to diet, and nutrition. It was suicide to not have the treatment I was being offered. You see I was on a trial, which meant they were learning from my treatment. So others could be treated better in the future. The chemo was also an acumalative treatment which means that chemo builds up in my body until cancer can’t live there any more.
Unbeknown to Andie I had spoken to my specialist nurse who had bought me time. The next day 4pm to decide if I would carry on. The whole of Thursday and Friday I did not speak to anyone, dismissing conversations. Feeling genuinely unhappy to be alive, unhappy I had cancer. Exstremly angry that I had even had cancer, every time a canular went in I would cry. It was a horrendous time. A time I like to forget but for a couple of people what I write may make sense so it’s for those people I write this.
That dark day in September 2011 I had given up on life, given up on us. Given up on chemo, I had quite literally agreed with myself that I would die. Life ends here, I will not carry on. I know Andie pleaded with me to not give up, looking around with tears in our eyes. You want to give up on us she said, we were looking for each other all of our lives. It was a very sad dark time, one I have only just now revisited now for you. So that you understand that your not alone, that it’s normal to want to stop the pain. That chemo is most proberbly the worst thing you will ever deal with in a world where pain exsists.
I am still here though ain’t I, still trying to encourage people that there IS life after cancer. That it’s down to us to make the right choices. The next day was D day in our house, a day I had to dig in. I remember being knelt down with my arms aloft crying out aloud, asking the God of my understanding to touch me in some way. To help me to find the strength inside of me to carry on, that was a tough old day. A day I had to decide and I alone that I would carry on the battle.
That’s when I started to become strong, I started to stand and move forwards. Arranging for my next chemo to start the next week and focusing on finishing treatment for US. That us was important enough to endure this path. The purpose of this blog is to say these words to you. YOU CAN, just stand and move forwards,mbecause you feel at the end of your comfort zone, this is where you will show others what you are made of. The substance you have within, going that one more round when you don’t think you can. Well YOU CAN. TRUST ME.
Follow me on Twitter
Everything you read are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. Please share with others, if it meant something to you it will to someone else.