Dont think by the title of this that I am not honest with myself, because I most certainly am. The truth is though I have been feeling quite lonely, like I am a spare part. You see when your in treatment your busy, your visiting hospitals all the time. Your doctors become your friend, being woken up in the night because your pic line is wrapped around your neck becomes the norm. I don’t have any of that now, just this journey called recovery. It’s like life has come to a screeching halt, and after life was so packed full of visits, I need to do something more and I am starting to put pressure on myself to do that. That’s not good, I can’t feel stress like I used to, I can’t live my life in the rat race anymore. Why did I get cancer in the first place, well I think it was brought on by neighbours that drank till silly hours of the morning, when we both needed to be up for work the next day. Knocking on the walls, throwing bottles over the fence and sleeping in till ridiculous o’clock.
I like to sort problems out there and then, but there was non of that with these people they seemed to be on self destruct. My blood boiled every night, I had my fists clenched most evenings because of it. Their TV was mounted on the wall that was an adjoining wall, which always was at high volume. It was a horrific 4 years. The house we live in now has no such problems, we don’t have a connecting wall with a Nieghbour and feel fortunate to have good neighbours around us. Sometimes you have to make your own luck in life though don’t we, we have to make a move that will make life easier and better.
We have been very fortunate in my cancer journey, people from all over the world have supported us, as far away as Australia. When I think about going back to work ( it’s been a long time ) I can’t help thinking that helping people is where I need to be, comforting families and being compassionate towards others that are fighting. Really I need to be dedicating my life to doing that not building an empire. Putting pressure on myself to earn a decent income again, there are opportunities out there that I think I will have a go at, but have no exspectations of income.
Even whilst on my own journey, I have reached out to others offering a helping hand. I actually found it helped me to reach out, I felt needed and appreciated. Now it just feels like I am being lazy, getting my strength back is so important. People are always commenting how healthy I look, how amazed they are at how well I look. That’s just the outside though, trust me it does not feel like that from inside. I still feel tired allot, and feel that walking is an effort, you won’t ever see that when you look at me. You will just see a determined man, doing his best to give the best of me to my wife. Cancer fatigue is like wading through thick mud as you step forwards, it’s not like a normal tired where a little sleep will sort you out. It’s hard to exsplain unless you have felt it yourself.
I just felt today that I needed to tell you how it is, that it’s not all as rosey as it may appear from the outside. That also if your feeling something similar to me, that you are not alone, that it’s normal. I most certainly need a new challenge but for now until I find that new challenge that fits in with my situation in recovery then I will continue to write here, I WILL continue to DO. I guess I give myself a hard time, but if I don’t who can. I am almost convincing myself writing this singular blog. To stop blogging and get back on with my book. I have not picked it up for a while because someone discourages me from writing it, saying no one will want to read about me. But you know what, it’s time to listen to myself. It’s time to complete what I set out to do, there are people out there that have encouraged me no matter what, and I should blank out the rest and just focus on the positives. Listen to the advice despensed in that blog called fonzandcancer.
I hope you have a great day, and thanks for reading.
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Everything you read are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. Please share with others, if it meant something to you it will to someone else. It took me an hour to write, but will take you a second to share.