It makes me wonder sometimes what does the w stand for though. When you look into this small word your realise that actually this word is everything that your life is. It is nothing to do with what your life is not. I mean what is me, it’s singular, it’s just one person meaning nothing apart from yourself, alone. Yet add the word ‘with’ it becomes we. I am going to attempt to explain how I feel right now. After all a year in the cancer journey I have and am undergoing right now. People don’t understand, only people that have had cancer really can relate to it. So here we go, this is my way of describing what I/we have faced and face even now.
Ever felt so low you think you will never come back… That’s how I feel right now, I don’t feel able to pick myself up. Just feel like I am in this massive ball of depression. I had been expecting it, now I feel defeated like I have no more left to give. It’s a strange feeling, a weightless feeling, one that seems to not value life any more. You think all the mountains have been climbed but now I am faced with a mountain to big to climb. The shadow is to dark. To wide. I must now wait until I have the strength to carry on… I feel so empty, I don’t know why. All I know is my strength has been used, the tank went to empty, I played petrol station bingo, I carried on with no fuel. Now I feel ruined, broken beyond comprehension. Maybe the love we have together is futile apart, worthless without each other. I have not the power of us, the power of we. How can I be without a we. We is the me with a w.
Then you wonder why your mind is doing this, you knew it would come. It’s not that your weak, although you feel it for sure. It is far deeper than that, it’s despair, anger, and for sure a feeling of defeat. You may not understand how much it takes to beat cancer, how much of you gets used. How much of the person caring for you gets used, this next picture is for sure how it feels in picture form for a person that carries on with the challenge.
This my wife as she turns her back on the sand being whipped up by the wind. We wanted to turn back, but we would not get the photograph of the sea that we wanted if we did, so we walked forwards backwards. This was the result of our efforts.
We don’t know what is beyond the horizon, all WE can do is trust that our strength will be renewed. Maybe it’s when we stop and take stock that the truth of where we are at but also what we have achieved together becomes apparent. I lost £240 today in a bundle which I had been keeping for us to do something together with this weekend. To say that I am devastated is an understatement. It’s like I have been hit with a shovel at my lowest, life can be so cruel sometimes. So now we find ourselves house bound on that weekend off. Of course we will make the best of it, but sometimes you just have to not fight against the wind blowing in your face and just go with it. Sometimes life hands us a hand that’s unfair, but you just know that sunshine is somewhere, I believe that the people in the world that get the roughest ride are the people that STAND and make a differance.
So tomorrow, I will stand. We WILL be together and we will have ridden out the storm together. Because WE are stronger than ME.
Have a great day
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Everything you read are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. Please share with others, if it meant something to you it will to someone else. All images are from a Google search. Or my own.