The lump taking up space.

Tags

business, cancer, chemotheropy, faith, hope, love, lump, suffering, treatment

Yep that’s how it feels, you find a lump that’s cancer the you feel like the lump carrying the lump that’s taking up space. Hardly anyone will read this but this is how us cancer patients feel. We feel like we are worthless, we feel like a failure even because cancer chose us. I mean what did we do to deserve it, are we being punished for something we did? Some of the things that go through our minds are not even writable. Isn’t life hard enough with out this crap they call cancer. The lump they call cancer that lives in our bodies they we render useless because of cancer. How pathetic we feel because cancer chose us, how much despair we feel because cancer came. We look out at the rain dripping down our window pains and wonder if the sun will ever shine again, we cogitate the things we never did that we should have and feel regret. We feel feelings that someone who has never had cancer will hopefully never feel.

I remember exspecting the world to stop just so I could get my head around what was happening for a moment. But wait, was cancer such a bad thing for me looking back. When I look back now at how I dealt with the feelings, that’s what got me through, my attitude to what I as a cancer sufferer mattered the most. It made a huge differance to the desease that was in my body.

I started to look at the world differently and see positives in everything around me. Feeling pleasure to be able to feel the wind on my face, feelings of despair were replaced by thoughts of hope because that’s what I chose to do. I chose to look for the good in everything I saw, I started to see cancer as an oppertunity, not a disability. We only know how hard that is for a person to do, to appreciate our surroundings. To appreciate the medical staff, the people that researched cancer to find a way to make us well again. Quickly skipping over the companies that make billions out of cancer we have to be thankful for our lives. Of course I am not grateful to have had cancer, but what I am is grateful that I have learnt what I have because of cancer. If it was not for cancer maybe I would not be able to see the good all around me as well as what I can now. Maybe because of our attitude to it, that’s what helps cancer become a blessing. That our eyes are opened to what others cannot see. These days I see an appointment to the hospital as an oppertunity to bless someone, even if that is just making them a coffee at the machine, or tea if they prefer. 


My attitude to the lump I found first time was to hide, from everyone and everything. My attitude the second time I got cancer was to affect the world. Maybe I have achieved that to a small degree, but I have achieved that, and that is because of cancer.

Have a great weekend

Fonz

http://www.fonzandcancer.com

Follow me on Twitter

@fonzmark

Email – fonzicloud@icloud.com

Our support group on our FB

Cancer stories (people helping people through experience) 

It’s a group where people’s experiences are used to encourage others. 

Everything you read are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. Please share with others, if it meant something to you it will to someone else. All images are from a Google search. Or my own.

Copyright © 2016

Have courage and be kind.

Tags

business, cancer, chemo, courage, dentistry, faith, hope, kindness, love

It’s, a precious gift kindness. I don’t know why  it makes us feel vulnerable. I guess that’s because we expect something in return, hope that the person we are being kind to will be as kind to us. It was a long time ago when I gave someone a gift, I was so wrong to even expect a thank you. Because real kindness does not give to receive. Real kindness just gives and your gift in teturn is the pleasure of giving. It takes years that we live to learn the value of the courage of kindness. These days I give with a non expectant heart, I find it gives me freedom in my soul and my spirit. 


I guess without getting the dictionary out that courage means facing something you have to face, and bravery is facing something or someone that you have a choice to face. Courage is to keep doing anyway, I see courage in parents everyday. Of course I have only a glimpse of what being a parent actually is. My only true exsperience that comes close is picking up my nephew from school in the little TVR, I waited outside and watched all the dolled up well kept parents arriving to collect what I now understand to an exstent. To be their most special gift on the earth, their children. I was given an insight into the courage of kindness. 

You see I now realise that as a parent everyday you need to have the courage of kindness, a relentless giving heart to your child expecting nothing in return. Everyday you have courage in your constant journey of dedication to the little people you bring into the world. I know if I was a parent and my son was my nephew, I would not feel anything but pride and thanks for the gift I would have in him. Picking him up, made me realise how truly precious children are, it made me understand a snippet of the courage of kindness. 

Giving without expectation does indeed need courage, though some kindness is instinctive. The reward you get for it is what you feel inside. How giving makes us feel with in that no other gift can give. How wrong I was to give that gift exspecting something in return. It robbed me of the feeling I should have had. The gift giving gives to our inner self, but maybe I would not have learnt the differance in giving to receive, compared to the courage of kindness. The courage of kindness does without doubt give to our spirit a revival. A renewing of our inner self because of what we gave. Giving does not need to be an item or exsperience. It can be words of encouragement to another that Spurs them on, when you see a difference being made in someone’s life because you did. That’s priceless and something that money can not buy. 

Here is my question to you this week. Will YOU have the courage of kindness this week. Will you give and expect nothing in return? Well if your a parent I think you already do that everyday, you do it instinctively. You have a responsibility that transforms this world. Imagine what the world would be like if we all adopted the courage of kindness for someone everyday. Have a great week.

Fonz  

Are you a blessing to the world?

Tags

Belive, chemotheropy, depression, faith, gift, give, goals, hope, life, love, today

It’s a funny old life, sometimes I am in awe of what this life has given me, other times I find my mortal self complaining of what is after all. Insignificant. Again my dear dear friend Rob shows me something on a day where I needed to be reminded. Reminded that it’s up to us what we look for in this world, I have learnt so much in this past year, and one of the most important things I have learnt is that the moment you are in right now, what you see right now. Will only ever be that way today. I have said many times, in life there is only one day. Today. That is the only gift we are given. Today. 

I will share the link my friend shared with me, I was told today that it’s ridiculous that dogs see oras or even that they may exsist. I am sure that the bible speaks of a light, the light that shines though Jesus. Would that not be conceived as an ora? Well I just know that animals love me, I know that it’s about seeing the good in life and seeing you glass half full, not half empty. Today is a sad day for my family as my dads cousin died. RIP Bill. He was my second cousin, Bill was a nice man a man that was concidered and gentle and kind. I am sure in his life he reflected often on times that were of true whole hearted enjoyment. Bill was a man that loved what he was able to see and accepted what that was. Content I would say, my heart and prayers go out to Bill tonight and Val his wife and the family as a whole. It’s so sad to see a life end, yet for me I see it as an opportunity to reflect and appreciate what was.

  
I won’t pretend to know Bill well because I didn’t. That opertunity is now past, but I will always remember with fondness sharing time with Bill and Val on our cruise around the Mediterranean. I pray Bills family are comforted at this sad time, but are also able to laugh and enjoy the memories they shared with Bill.

You see life’s hard, or it can just be a moment in the universe connected to all the other moments that everyone else is enjoying. Because if you can read this, you have a life and have been given the most precious gift of all. Life today, treasure what you have and also (as my friend would say) what you don’t have also. Because for me NOT having cancer and having a today is but one of the greatest gifts of all. You know I was able to drive to my mum and dads today, I hugged my dad till a tear rolled down my cheek. Why because today, my dad lost his cousin and he needed his son. So I hope I was a blessing  to my mum and my dad today. As I hope you used the life you have today to be a blessing somewhere. Here is the link Rob my dear friend shared with me and I share with you today. It’s not to late to be a blessing.

Fonz

http://www.fonzandcancer.com

Follow me on Twitter

@fonzmark

Email – fonzicloud@icloud.com

Our support group on our FB

Cancer stories (people helping people through experience) 

It’s a group where people’s experiences are used to encourage others. 

Everything you read are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. Please share with others, if it meant something to you it will to someone else. All images are from a Google search. Or my own.

Copyright © 2016

The 47 yr old naked me.

Tags

fat, happiness, happy, hope, illness, love, selfbelief, selfless

Every morning I get up, I am naked as the day I was born. I know I am a slightly different shape to the day I was actually born.  But never the less I am still faced with the same old problem. How to make this rather over weight, middle aged man look good. Well actually those were my dating days. It was always a real pain breathing in on those dates I used to go on, of course some dates I went on I rather felt disappointed I had made the effort and did not bother to hold my waist in at all on those dates. Trouble with that though was that, buttons on my jeans burst and belts snapped. Recently I have become more comfortable getting up and not being able to see where my bits were, finding a mirror rather more useful than I had before this time in my life.

  
I must admit I have been rather struggling with the fact that I am no longer a 32 ” waist and have finally realised that just because the bee gees are playing on the 80’s music channel it does not mean that 32″ jeans fit comfortably like they did back then.  I have until 2 days ago imagined myself as that well toned strong fit athletic figure of a man. Trouble with that was though that it was a memory and not a reality. I kinda sneaked past 34″ waist without anyone noticing. Now I do apologise if you have at any point imagined me naked at any point here. Please ask God for forgiveness unless you are my mum. But even if you are my mum. Trust me mum I don’t look anything like you may think I do. 

I used to be frightened of the Family belly and as time went on and hit 40 I had to rest a lot and my 34″ waist became a 36″ now I am saying this. But until two days ago I just thought it was my reflection getting fat and not actually me. I don’t know if this rings a bell. Anyway I woke up last Thursday and tried on ALL my jeans and non fitted yup and they all were 36″ so I had to face facts. I looked in the mirror at me and my fella. I felt sorry for myself as I uttered the words. Me and you are a 38″ pal we just are we just gotta go and get some that actually fit my fat size and be happy about it.

Now I went in the shop, embarrassed as I uttered the sentence to the passing shop assistant ” Hi I can see 38″ long leg but no regular ” she sniggered and went off to find some. But this is the truth, I bought 3 pairs of £10 jeans that were next to the £36 jeans. Why because I will I hope one day, want to get back into a 36″ waist ( I don’t want to aim to high ) as she walked away I realised that I would never go to a party again and be thought of as attractive, but maybe be asked if I was a grandparent yet. 

Now I realise I am a 38″ and feel happy that they need hitching up, it makes that 32″ man I imagine seem more real now. This post I wrote because I am now happy with the fat me and hoped you would have some fun reading it.

Have a great day

Being happy with who you are today.

Fonz

Create memories.

This one helped me so much when I wrote it.

fonzandcancer blogging to encourage.

Good morning. How are you today? Today is a great day, it’s Thursday but it’s also an opportunity to choose to step outside of your comfort zone. Every day we live is an opportunity to challenge ourselves, to become more equipped humans. To be more knowledgeable, to share love with people you may never have. To learn more skills that you may never have learnt before. It’s up to us to be excited about the future, or to just let it drift past without us even noticing. I hear so many times, well it’s because.

It’s really gets on my nerves how people would rather make an excuse as opposed to taking action. I mean take my brother for instance, he just does it. No excuse not to, just reasons to do. We should all take something from that. DO IT as opposed to reasons not to do it.

We…

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Life’s normal until something changes.

Cancer changes lives by there becoming a new normal. Some may even say that normal does no exsist after you have been touched by cancer. I don’t know about that, but what is a very real fact …

Source: Life’s normal until something changes.

One of the toughest things about cancer for me.

Tags

cancer, chemotheropy, comfort, Compassion, courage, fatigue, giving, hope, love

I don’t know how to say this, but I am pretty sure I can articulate it well enough in a post. When I had cancer once, my eyes were not opened as much as what they are now. Although the ABVD treatment was horrific, it was only a snippet of what have ICE chemo BEAM and then a Bone marrow transplant is like. People can’t understand what it’s like, for that I am grateful. It’s quite easy for me to be relieved that a person has not had to have just one of the treatments I have had. Because when I say “I would not wish it on my worst enemy” I really mean just that.

  
I find it a struggle these days to know of someone having to have treatment, I don’t mind telling you, it makes me weep and drop to my knees and pray for that person. The compassion I feel for the person is overwhelming, and a real emotional roller coaster. When I set out on this journey of writing my blog 365 times in 365 day, I had a lot of time on my hands and no energy. I remember not being able to pick up my I pad even, I don’t expect you to believe me. It’s not possible to understand unless you have been through it yourself. A friend reminded me how hard it was today as she shared some of what her BMT (bone marrow transplant) was like. It took me back, to not being able to write, but guess what I did. I wrote. Why, because I wanted the world to know how it was for me in there. How feeling unable but doing anyway felt. How hard life really is, that in comparissum to a parking issue my life was in the balance and I was fighting for it.

It’s really difficult for me not to be emotional these days when I learn someone has to have any kind of treatment. I have empathy and compassion in massive amounts. It’s tough having that much compassion you know it really is. All I hope is that it’s not you, that by reading what I have written in my blog that you realise that life is more precious than you ever thought it was before reading my blog. Each day I awake is a bonus, I say thank you audibly to God for each day I have. On Saturday someone said to me how they enjoyed my blogs, that they come across well. Someone else told me off for not writing everyday. I can only apologise to you all, I have been busy. My wife wants a conservatory so I am making that happen for her. For me I don’t care what it takes, if I can make my wife happy then at least I have some purpose to this life I have been allowed to live. 

  
It’s been a funny old week, I have seen a man cry who remembered another’s journey. I have seen compassion in people beyond belief. I have seen a friend smile whilst we went out for a trundle in my TVR seemingly small things, but things I never thought would happen again. So when you know someone is in treatment, treat them. Give them something to smile about. Even if it’s just a visit, a home made cake, what ever it is. Trust me that persons day will be better, and you will of made a difference in their life. Is that not amazing that you CAN make a differance in someone’s life. Wow that for me although the best is the toughest thing to do, to reach out to someone in treatment. Yet it means so much to the person. There is no rule book, we are not supposed to know what to say or do. But to show love to someone in that lonely time of treatment is unforgettable to the person, and something that gives you fuel for your day.

  
I will always find it hard because I know what they face, but that’s given me a love for people that will never ever wilt. I hope you all have a great week, give to someone this week you have never given to before. Be grateful for the life you have what ever you face. It could always be worse, so why not choose to makes someone’s better.

Fonz

http://www.fonzandcancer.com

Follow me on Twitter

@fonzmark

Email – fonzicloud@icloud.com

Our support group on our FB

Cancer stories (people helping people through experience) 

It’s a group where people’s experiences are used to encourage others. 

Everything you read are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. Please share with others, if it meant something to you it will to someone else. All images are from a Google search. Or my own.

Copyright © 2016

What cancer leaves you with.

Tags

attitude, belief, depression, full, hope, Lewis, love, marriage, rise

Maybe this post should have just remained locked away, maybe I should never have even written this. But I did, and I will not write like my mum and not share it. I will say it to the world, so that its there for eternity for you all to read. Cancer when it’s come in and screwed with your life leaves you with a part of what you were. I said to my wife these words. I held her hands and asked ” will what I am left with be enough for you?  I don’t think it is myself, I am not able to give her what she needs. Cancer did take much from me, it took more than some of you will know. I am actually happy you will never know. Because I personally don’t want 1 more person to experience treatment for cancer. I am sick to death of doing my best everyday to only be a fraction of my previous self. 
  
I am upset that the few friends I now have are but a fraction of what I did have. Although as a friend said the other day, “I have many acquaintances and few friends” I now know who the acquaintances were.  Hell cancer has proberbly wrecked the marriage we would have had only having a fraction of what would have been. It’s so hard each day to carry on, it’s so hard each day yo muster the strength and do something. I am being honest here, I will because I know when ever I post to my blog someone feels comfort. Someone feels some reassurance that it’s normal to feel these feelings. Right now I am angry, really angry and sad that my life is not what I feel it should have been. So then, what do I do.

I take a deep breath in, I sigh I breath and reflect. I say ” God please forgive my shortfall.” Please use my words somewhere in the world. It’s not possible to post positives everyday, because I just am not super human. I am a man, I have weight trained become a powerhouse that in the end was beaten down by cancer. Yet I WILL rise again. 

Lewis Hamilton said today, he had a 5 place grid penalty for having a new gear box. He said ” I need to look at the cup half ful, and take the oppertunity to rise” it’s how I live, to see oppertunity to rise rather than possibilities to fail. I will rise and keep on keeping on. I am not saying any of this so you feel pity, just so that with hope in your heart and an inner strength that you feel able to carry on. This is my life now, it’s a great shame that people have to put up with the effects of cancer. But maybe that’s better than the alternative. You have a life, and that life gives you oppertunity even if that is in something negative like illness. It’s just that you have to choose to see it as an oppertunity to rise. If you do. Rest assured you WILL rise and you will make a differance to someone’s life. 

You are so much more than cancer or illness would have you believe. You will rise you just have to believe it.

Fonz

http://www.fonzandcancer.com

Follow me on Twitter

@fonzmark

Email – fonzicloud@icloud.com

Our support group on our FB

Cancer stories (people helping people through experience) 

It’s a group where people’s experiences are used to encourage others. 

Everything you read are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. Please share with others, if it meant something to you it will to someone else. All images are from a Google search. Or my own.

Copyright © 2016

50 shades of grey? Only one shade of love…

Tags

business, Good, google, hope, life, love, loving, of grey, passion

When I was dating, I found 50 shades of grey. I found more than that, I found so many shades. But why do people think that sex is a shade and maybe even the main shade. Let me suggest to you that, what you think sex is. Is actually only a part of a shade of a possible shade of life. You see love only has one shade, it has one meaning. The world would have us believe that there is so many more ways to love using our sexual being. Yet it’s only skin deep. Here is a thought that’s as deep maybe deeper than you have thought.

If there are 50 shades of grey and it’s made up of black and white, is grey a colour. Because black and white are not colours so where did grey come from? Let’s assume me and you are doing our best to find out what love is. That maybe a walk on the beach, a kiss, or a cuddle is what we deem as love. 

  
For me, when I got married I did not take one aspect of life and love that as my life. I did not perceive life as being glued by one in particular thing that I liked. My love for my wife and hers for me is about 2 letters US. It’s about us, it’s about freedom for us both, allowing or rather wanting each other to have and be the best we can be on all levels. It’s not about being a great lover, a great cook, a great person. It’s about one thing. Balance. Balance in OUR lives that we live TOGETHER. Marriage is about together. And loving being together and working at being together knowing that we are both pulling together in the same direction. Stop being hung up on one singular aspect of a relationship. 
There is only one shade of love. Guess what, that one aspect,  is called love. That right there is how you use something that is supposed to make life distructive, constructive. You can be what ever you want to be if only you understand that life together has only one shade and that’s called loving each other. Just love who you are with today, give what you have, don’t hide what you could have given. That is not selfless. A relationship is about being together and working together. When you do that, things happen. The things that do happen matter to.

Just saying.

Fonz

Love yourself.

Important blog this.

fonzandcancer blogging to encourage.

Throughout my life there have been many stages, but one lesson I would say is perhaps the hardest, or maybe took the longest. Was to learn to love myself, you see most people blame situations people, ( I was dealt a bad hand) my friend says it like. The people in the pub that have a woulda coulda story – if only it was not for such and such. Well it’s all a load of rubbish. Absolute BS. Our future is in our hands but unfortunately, if we don’t live ourselves we will find life is so much harder than it would otherwise be should we be happy with who we are. We have to become that person that when the person who is looking back, your content with. I am not saying the full article because no human is ever the ful article in my opinion. We learn until…

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