Maybe this post should have just remained locked away, maybe I should never have even written this. But I did, and I will not write like my mum and not share it. I will say it to the world, so that its there for eternity for you all to read. Cancer when it’s come in and screwed with your life leaves you with a part of what you were. I said to my wife these words. I held her hands and asked ” will what I am left with be enough for you? I don’t think it is myself, I am not able to give her what she needs. Cancer did take much from me, it took more than some of you will know. I am actually happy you will never know. Because I personally don’t want 1 more person to experience treatment for cancer. I am sick to death of doing my best everyday to only be a fraction of my previous self.
I am upset that the few friends I now have are but a fraction of what I did have. Although as a friend said the other day, “I have many acquaintances and few friends” I now know who the acquaintances were. Hell cancer has proberbly wrecked the marriage we would have had only having a fraction of what would have been. It’s so hard each day to carry on, it’s so hard each day yo muster the strength and do something. I am being honest here, I will because I know when ever I post to my blog someone feels comfort. Someone feels some reassurance that it’s normal to feel these feelings. Right now I am angry, really angry and sad that my life is not what I feel it should have been. So then, what do I do.
I take a deep breath in, I sigh I breath and reflect. I say ” God please forgive my shortfall.” Please use my words somewhere in the world. It’s not possible to post positives everyday, because I just am not super human. I am a man, I have weight trained become a powerhouse that in the end was beaten down by cancer. Yet I WILL rise again.
Lewis Hamilton said today, he had a 5 place grid penalty for having a new gear box. He said ” I need to look at the cup half ful, and take the oppertunity to rise” it’s how I live, to see oppertunity to rise rather than possibilities to fail. I will rise and keep on keeping on. I am not saying any of this so you feel pity, just so that with hope in your heart and an inner strength that you feel able to carry on. This is my life now, it’s a great shame that people have to put up with the effects of cancer. But maybe that’s better than the alternative. You have a life, and that life gives you oppertunity even if that is in something negative like illness. It’s just that you have to choose to see it as an oppertunity to rise. If you do. Rest assured you WILL rise and you will make a differance to someone’s life.
You are so much more than cancer or illness would have you believe. You will rise you just have to believe it.
Fonz
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Cancer stories (people helping people through experience)
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Everything you read are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. Please share with others, if it meant something to you it will to someone else. All images are from a Google search. Or my own.
Copyright © 2016
fonzandcancer blogging to encourage. 
It’s very normal to feel anger at what’s happened. It’s part of being human. It doesn’t make you weak in any way.
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Thanks Harry…
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I feel for you with your suffering, and know that each day will bring different emotions which is normal in the circumstances. Some days must be really tough, but you are getting there, and are strong in your fight. I’m sure your dear wife knows you are enough for her and just wants you to be well and happy. Keep up your war against this evil illness, and try to remain positive about who you are. Many people’s thoughts and wishes are with you. x
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Thank you so much it means so much.
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I am sorry for your suffering. This is not pity. But I do understand how suffering changes a person into someone else. I’ve found so much more compassion within myself after some terrible losses in my life. You have that. I appreciate how you write with honesty. Not many people could do that. Thank you for sharing your heart.
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I understand, something bad that happens to us can sometimes be the making of us. 😔
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How else does God render out of our spirit, the nature of the challenges to which push us to become more than we ever thought we could be.
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Wise words right there.
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Reblogged this on firefly465 and commented:
A fantastic post by fonzandcancer.wordpress.com
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I am glad that you chose to post this. People need to hear your words, too often has cancer just been buried underneath meaningful glances and silences. By understanding people can and will rise.
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I often think the very same thing. Not because of cancer, but because my epilepsy has taken away so much of the person I was even a year ago as it gets progressively worse. It is not an easy adjustment for me on many levels. I have always been the type to do it all by myself relying on no one person to see me through. Now I find that way of thinking to be moot for me as I must rely on so many people to get me through the hardest of times. So I can relate on some level. And I will be the first to admit that I find it hard at times to find my strength in God. Not because I do not believe or have no faith. Just the opposite. I do believe and I do have faith. But is it enough to help me see into the promises of God that He will never leave me or forsake me. Illness does that. And no amount of self-conviction will help me to see otherwise. I am stiff-necked that way. But I do cry out to God almost everyday for healing. Even if that healing keeps me at that point where I am not the woman I once was. But I will take any healing I can get and be grateful for what I have received for that day. Because I can always ask for more tomorrow.
God bless you, Fonz! Keep fighting. Sending up prayers for you.
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Thank you for sharing some of your tough times. It makes your blog so real.
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of course you’re not the same person you was before the cancer who the hell would be after all that but you are a stronger person for it,all my friends and family who have suffered from cancer didn’t beat it ,I have just lost one friend to spine cancer and soon I will lose another to stomach and esophagus cancer because he can only have Chemo as he wouldn’t survive the 7hr surgery that he need’s so all he can do is have the chemo to buy a bit more time.So for every person I meet like you wether in person or online I count my blessings and tell the big C you didn’t get that one.Life is short so live for the now and make the most of the life you have with your wife and your friends because everything else is unimportant and those friends you lost well they weren’t really your friends.You have everything to live for Now go out there and enjoy it with those that are near and dear to you…you deserve it! xx Rachel and Speedy
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Sending a big hug to you both Rachel and speedy. Thank you so much. I am so sorry about your friend it’s upsetting to hear someone will lose a fight. Sending you love.
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Thank you x
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Your words are proof that there is so much more left after your battle than anything physical that could have been taken from you. They rise up out of the ashes.
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You are, no doubt a warrior and as many warriors in a war you did not go looking for. But when I read your posts I am witness to someone who is digging in and not giving ground.
Of course there is no reason why you should greet each day with a cheery smile and a hey-ho; that might show a certain weird detachment
No, you are facing it head on, I am sure it hurts I sure it’s (to use a Farscape term) ‘dreng’, you keep on staying there.
It’s heroic. True heroism is never neat and clean.
Best wishes
Roger
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That’s very kind Rodger thank you. 😊
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