Today I have to blog, because I said I would. I should be uploading all the photos from the capital one cup, maybe even blogging about the joy of the winning team, but if I am honest. The pain in my hands and legs consumes me today, I have no strength to be what I want to be today, no ability it seems to be the me that shrugs off so much and turns around so many situations. Today I have to rest, our dog faith can sense I am not myself, maybe it’s normal for the losing teams members to feel a lull when losing a match that we feel should have been ours.
But I know that it’s not because of the match, it feels like a punishment. A consequence even of having cancer means that the damage the cure has caused. Means that after doing comes pain, tomorrow I will write about accepting who we are. I feel really hacked off that I find myself with such low abilities, such high pain and such feelings that I feel should not be mine.
I started writing this some 8 weeks ago, yet I find myself feeling the same again today. Every time I do in a day I am punished the next day. So my reward today even though I may feel so bad, it’s to look at what yesterday’s efforts achieved. To rejoice that I am still able to coordinate the right people at the right time to at least make things happen for our future.
I know I wrote about this, have written about this, and will write about this again. Why because it’s all part of healing, all part of the cancer journey that I am on. Although cured dealing with the aftermath. But then you get rewards like this when you push on.
Maybe not entirely because of my hands, but most certainly because of the relationships I maintain. Even though I may not want to write some of the things I do, I even so concider it a privalage to be able to write ( even what I don’t want to write ) life in itself is a privalage and one I intend to enjoy one I want to see things happen, even if it will give me the pain I may feel the next day. Happiness seems to be my enemy, and whilst my happiness (our happiness) maybe tarnished by pain and my joy maybe quashed somewhat. Still I look for what is positive, still I look to make something hood out of something bad. When we started this project, we had to demolish a perfectly good and pufuntary building.
I started relating it to my whole journey again, that the conservatory that was had to be removed for a new one to take its place. That I could accept the small size and do nothing, or I could get rid of what was to replace it with something new. A but like my transplant. That the desease had taken hold of my body and for me to live a longer life, the blood that gave me life needed to be replaced in part so I could continue to live. The process hurt, I looked a mess for a time. Here are some pictures and videos of it all happening.
Sometimes we have to die to ourselves to become made anew, it reminded me of a verse in the bible. John 12 v23
Change takes effort removing what was to enable us to become so much more than we thought was possible. Of course we can choose to do nothing as I could but what would be achieved by doing that? Nothing can be achieved if even when we don’t feel like it we don’t carry on. By moving forward even an inch takes effort, choices we all make everyday. Cancer or illness I believe brings out the best in someone if they choose to find it. Choosing to keep moving forward makes you awesome, it makes you special. It means you know how to accept what you have to do to make things happen. Is that what you will choose, to lose what you are to be rebuilt to become a better you. Trust me you can.
Hope you like the video.
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Everything you read are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. Please share with others, if it meant something to you it will to someone else. All images are from a Google search. Or my own.
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