It was that day when I had to go for my results, it did not matter who was in that room. My wife was there, the consultant, student nurse. 7-9 people in the room altogether. Yet I felt so alone, so afraid and so weak. Non of it was in my plan for my life. It was not in my mind when I said I do to the person I wanted to spend my whole life with. What kind of crap is this, that I had to sit in that chair on that day and hear those words. I want to try and help you to understand what happens when you hear those words.
You see up until that day I was invincible, indistructable, a mountain of indistructable muscle. But I wasn’t was I, I like everyone else was falable. Those words pulled the rug from under me, made me lose my footing and fall to the ground in a heap in my mind. ” You have cancer ” he said. The world went blurred, black and white if you like. Life became like a vivid dream. That everyone should stop moving whilst I came to terms with those crushing words that I just heard. It was like a cloud of negativeness had just engulfed me. It did not matter how much I knew people loved me, as that tear rolled down my cheek, I just felt alone like no one knew or could actually understand what I felt.
I believed everyone should just STOP, let me tell you how I feel. Just allow me a little time to come to terms with this horrific day, to do that you have to all STOP though. But no one stopped, no one allowed me time to understand what Chemo was. Nothing stopped only my world stopped, only our life was discontinued. Weeks maybe months they said without treatment. WHAT? Oh no not me, not a chance. I had more life to live and more to give than just an exsistance. My life was for a reason and I was going to fight and make sure I lived that life so others could be blessed. The cancer may be real, the effect may be real. Even the world not stopping was real, but so was my stubborn determination to make my life count.
Cancer is a lonely road to find yourself on, but trust me it’s the stubbornness to survive that has given me the breath I breath today. Nearly 6 years ago I heard those words, then heard them again last year. But I was also able to hear the words that I heard 1 year ago. “You are in remission” I was at 4a once upon a time, the closest to terminal you can get to with out actually losing hope in the life you had. I am not saying that things are normal again. Because they are not, but what they are is honest, real, reflective, and Gracious. I am grateful for the breath that I breath, and want to love those around me. Care for people where once I did not even concider them. Please God forgive me for that. Who ever you are, whatever your going through, when someone hears the words “You have cancer” right then at that moment is when your life changes forever. Dare I even say, cancer will give you gifts along the way. It will be lonely, it will be something that’s an interference but ultimately you can help others too.
Just stand up and do, don’t live a life with regret. You have a life, Live it.
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Everything you read are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. Please share with others, if it meant something to you it will to someone else. All images are from a Google search. Or my own, taken whilst creating memories.
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