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awareness, bone, cancer, faith, Families, friends, Hodgkins, hope, life, love, partner, Peace, strength, survivor, transplant, weakness
I know what it’s like to eat salty bacon with tears.
I don’t know how many of you have just watched “Growing up with cancer” but I just did. Children that had the cancer i did, children that had to grow up with cancer and face things no child should. Well it took me back once again to that room where I had my stem cell transplant. Kids are so resilient aren’t they, accepting of their situation and able to rationalise things and adapt. They seem to be able to deal with things quickly and efficiently.
There was a young lad in the wards that became depressed and lost his appetite. He was unable to eat due to how he felt, he was angry and upset although he was uncertain of why he was so unhappy. Being depressed he was certain of. I know I was low and forced my family away from me, which is actually why I am writing this very post. The family that wanted to be close to me I pushed away. I did not allow them on the ward even though they could have really. I was so hung up on the word. Isolation.
I wanted to give myself the best chance at beating cancer and living longer by not being around any germs what so ever. Well I want to put that right right now. Today should my wife’s dad be alive he would be 74. But cancer took him aged 59. I never knew him. But it’s made me realise I was wrong to be that way, that I should apologise to my family and say Sorry. Sorry for keeping you at arms length, and ask that you all forgive me.
Whilst in that room the chemo they give you, is so horrendous that you get hundreds of ulcers all the way through your body. They tell you that you are unable to eat, and that you would be better to have a nose tube to be fed through, and that exercise would be impossible.
What I did in there I did for my family, I did what I thought I could to come through. I did press ups on the visiting chair that my wife used sometimes. I walked from the bed to the ensuite which was about 5 steps and back whilst having chemo moving all of the time and eating my breakfast not once but twice everyday. Sounds greedy right? Wrong. I would say eating bacon with ulcers in your mouth throat, intestines, all the way through to your bowl is not easy. You cry whilst eating making the bacon taste saltier. But every bite hurts like hell as it goes through your body making you not want to eat. Without doubt the easiest thing to do is to not eat, to choose nothing off the menu to sleep all day and not excercise. To give up.
All I did in there I did for my family, and want to say sorry for not doing the things you wanted me to. It was wrong of me.
To anyone that’s facing cancer or supporting anyone with cancer. What seems normal in life without cancer is most certainly not normal in a life during cancer.
But I leave you with this, to do something is better than doing nothing, even if at the time it may seem like the wrong thing to do, it’s still better to do.
Fonz
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Reblogged this on rimaalalamy.
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After reading about all you have gone through with the cancer and treatment, I am so thankful my dad is not experiencing similarly as you had. Some of his tumours have gone away and the others are significantly reduced. I often wonder how he would be had he had to endure what you experienced. Either way, having strength and determination to live and trusting in God through it all makes the whole difference. Thank you for sharing all you have endured thus far. God bless!
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People find it strange to think I still find it rough, my brother compared me to a 76 year old man when I told him I was tired all the time.
My joy today has increased only yo hear the words about your father. I am so grateful and thankyou for sharing that with me.
Only to say I feel privileged to have been given the strength to over come. God is unchanging, there should never be a reason not to trust in God, only to pray for those that do not see life through the rainbow glass of joy that God gives to us. God bless you to.
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Thank you for sharing . I’m on the other side . The side that dispense chemo to patients . The side that calculate doses. The side that counsel the side effects you might expect. Even though we know which drug causes what, it doesn’t touch us. Today reading your blog made me realise no we don’t really know what you guys go through.
You’re very brave I’m not sure if I can if it’s me.
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You know what they say, and thank you. If if worth having it’s never easy to get. Life is hard for us all. We are all just on different paths. We just hope we all get happiness in our journeys don’t we. God bless you and thanks for reading this post. I hope you find other posts helpful or insightful written nearly one a day for 2 years 😌
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