Tags
cancer, Compassion, depression, encouragement, hope, life, live, love, together
Today’s not a day I want to repeat, the feelings of giving up and jumping off the planet are all consuming. No one can see in our heads and if there was a door I would say. Please don’t open it. My mental health it has to be said is not right, the list is long as to why. But I guess it’s normal for people, and I won’t be the first to feel like life’s not worth it. Thank God for my dogs that follow me absolutely everywhere. Accepted without judgement. There are things going on in my life and finding a lump in my body has just messed with my Melon. I am struggling really badly right now. The sun is shining, yet all I can see is darkness and negativity.
Normally my blog posts are to encourage others, but today I am weak. Feeling low in worth and feel like jumping. I am holding on but only just, is there anyone out there with experience. That they have been where I am maybe.
I guess it’s all normal, but I don’t like it and I don’t like life either. I feel like I am on a raft in the middle of the sea and all I can see is a storm. Pain is a constant and while I have made in roads to be a good influence on others right now I could happily just leave the planet with no regrets.
I feel worthless right now, almost like I am in the way of others. I have become depressed with the constant stabbing pain. I can’t escape it’s there always. When I go to sleep, in my dreams and when I wake. It’s like I have been buried in pain and it grinds away your happiness.
Why would someone who has fought so hard to live end up with a want to die? Only driving in my TVR does the pain disappear. You can’t do that all the time.
Maybe I have written how I feel just for me,
but it’s here for the world to see.
How long will it be for me,
To live a life with warmth and know no pain.
It’s my 50th yr and it does not even feel like it’s something to celebrate. How strange after such a long fight. Then the thoughts of what I have found, what is it. Please not again, surly not again.
Fonz
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fonzandcancer blogging to encourage. 
Wow!…….. Mark……. I really don’t know where to begin after reading this post. It seems that you and I have quite a lot in common in the wellness department… or perhaps I should say… the un-wellness department. We both have struggled for far too long and sometimes that struggle seems to overwhelm the hope that we have tried so hard to hang on to… that same hope that we have tried to share with others who have joined us on this journey.
Your dogs… my kitties… give us comfort along the way with their forever… unconditional love. There are those who care about us deeply, support and encourage us in our search for hope. But hope is not found until we dig deep enough into our own being and find that part of our humanness that knows that it will never ‘voluntarily’ give up the struggle… no matter what we may face in this moment… no matter what tomorrow may bring to slap us upside the head and make us feel less than….. We are not. We both have lived in the light… dwelled in the darkness… but we have both seen hues of the world that others have not seen and when you share those hues with another… then it is those who never would have seen those colors of the world… the light… the darkened places where you have dwelled… that find hope within themselves.
I couldn’t tell you how many times I have found myself in those places. As you probably already know from my visionofhope33 site, I have now had to endure metastatic cancer in five different areas of the body… most of them with a prognosis of survival between 5 and 8 percent. I couldn’t tell you how many times, while lingering in the darkness of facing another tumor, I have thought of you and your own struggle with life…. your hope… your encouragement… the humanity that finds its way into your words that you so willingly share with us. You have helped me find that hope within myself and I will always cherish that moment that I discovered that part of your life that you offer to us… unconditionally.
I too would sometimes like to jump off of this planet… but someone told me somewhere that the earth wasn’t really flat after all… so I think our jumping might be in vain.
Oh…. and while you’re out on that raft in the middle of the sea watching the storm coming in… you’ll probably find me bobbing up and down in those 40 foot swells without a life vest. So… pull me aboard the raft and we’ll watch the storm together…. I’ve got a few bottles of beer stashed in my pockets we can share. (Hmmm… maybe that beer is what’s making it so hard to stay afloat out here…..)
Wishing you strength and wellness, my friend…
Sending healing light….. and sharing the “Hope”!
Michael
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Michael, hi. When I watch that film (is it sleepless in Seattle) where Mr fox starts off a book shop and the little shop sells up. That makes me think of you. Someone who is on the same road and who wants to bring hope and not ruin. I have even mentioned you in my blogs mate. Don’t know if you have realised.
I really appreciate the thought there are two of us out there, maybe we you have a beer for my friend Eric to. Beer is not 5he answer but sure is nice to enjoy.
Takes your mind off things like your kitties and my dogs.
You on what’s app?
It’s sunny here so I am by the pond I built.
Thanks for your encouragement my friend.
Fonz
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Pingback: Depression. — fonzandcancer blogging to encourage. – rimaalalamy
I hate those days. Dogs can sense how we feel, they are amazing!
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Your so right. I hope your ok. 👍🏼🐕🐕
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I’m good, I hope you’re okay!
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I didn’t want to like this because of the pain you have and continue to endure, but I did because of your courage to share it. There are others of jus who suffer insane pain and need to know we are not alone. Hugs and blessings. Natalie 🙂 ❤
Lord I come before you now to ask that you heal this man and restore His health and wholeness. In Jesus' name. Amen!
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Thanks that means so much. 👍🏼😍
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You’re most welcome❣️😘
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Sending love and prayers.
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There are no words to comfort you, they would be meaningless. But still don’t give up. Everything in life can be seen as a lesson to be learned. I wish you good luck and hope that you will recover.
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Thanks for taking the time to write this..
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Thanks for being vulnerable! I feel the same way at one point or another. When life makes no sense, when your dreams are dead, when you can’t find purpose or meaning – it is so easy to sink into feelings of despair. But feelings do not last forever. Hold on…there is hope and it renews every morning.
Sending you good wishes!
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Thanks for taking the time to comment.
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If you have a psychiatrist or someone you can unburden to, now is the time. A tweak to medication just may lift you long enough to get o an even keep again. I know what. an awful feeling it is and one that’s difficult to fight even if we wanted to. It’s like the world(and family) would benefit from us not being there but just at the moment I can see that’s not true, and that the world would in fact be diminished by our loss. I have been this way all my life and am 67 now. I’ve made it this far……..
Please see someone from your support mechanism.
Hugs
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I have started to see a therapist, it’s not common knowledge. Tears just come. I have kept it in till now but for sure it’s time to reach out. I am seeing her next on Thursday. So just gotta hold on till then I guess. Thanks David. 👍🏼
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The opposite of what I usually say…..don’t be strong. To get what you need you have to be honest and if that means crying then let go the tears. It wouldn’t be just family who need you around.
Hugs
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We have crossed paths on many occasions,its been 2 yrs now since my car accident I’ve push on to chronic pain my life has been up ended although I am no where near where you are but pain is to each different,I’ve been using hemp extract for my pain it has done what most Dr can’t. It has given me much more than I ever could expected
You hang in there,no one can walk in your shoes but you
My door is always open Sheldon
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I cannot click LIKE ..
Please be strong. I don’t know what it feels like, how it feels like… that’s why I have no words to say, except be strong.
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