Forgiving myself

Tags

Abu Dhabi, attitude, ego, encouragement, forgiveness, help, hope, love, struggle, survived

Seems a strange thing to say, but there are 5 steps in removing my huge ego. Well probably 6. Earlier this week I was so hurt reading that someone had been given an opportunity speak and I was not even considered. It got me thinking. What’s wrong with me, that what I had done wrong. What was in the way, what could I do to help other people by talking to them. Then I started thinking, what makes me so special that someone would want to use me to speak anyway. Who am I anyway. I went down this spiral of self condemnation and by the time I was finished I was so low and disheartened I did not want to see anyone. Communicate with anyone or even think that there was anything positive I can do in/on this planet.

I have a lump in my throat writing this.

As I wallowed in self pity I then had to get a grip of my self at some point. This morning (my dads 79th birthday) I started to think of things maybe I needed to get rid of that maybe in the way of me blessing people in that way. My hope in the future is that I would like to stand in front of people and encourage them that they maybe even would want to hear what I had to say. It made me think this sentence “who am I anyway, that people would want to hear what I have to say) so arrogant maybe.

When your in pain, chronic pain like mine. You constantly (I mean that, it never ever stops) all you think about is how to stop it. How to live moments where you don’t feel pain anymore. Of course that’s included sentences like. “Just die, your of no use with pain anyway” sorry for my honesty. I need to be honest with myself here. This is NOT about anyone else. You must know that really I could not be any lower right now, I don’t work and you have a lot of time to think when you don’t work. Yet I do a lot in the home except working. I get the shopping, find wood to keep warm look after outside the house and many other things at home. All of which I do with my wife in mind.

Yet I am feeling that there is something that I need to get rid of in my life, something in the way. I have been feeling ostracised by my siblings, but surely change starts with someone. So I did a search on google this morning. Ways to improve myself. That’s when I realised that it’s perhaps me that’s the problem. That I am not kind enough, not honest enough. To proud maybe even my Ego had gotten that big that people could not actually see who I was. The people I love don’t ask after me, yet my wife said to me this morning. That she had watched a programme that reenforced to her that she could never ask how I was to often. That’s so true, if you truly know someone you will ask after them. You will want the best for them, but I realised one thing this morning. I don’t even know who I am.

Yes I am kind, yes I always want the best for people. But how can I help others by standing in front of them if I can’t even help myself. Am I always going to blame pain, is pain really that serious that it stops me seeing the wood for the trees. Cancer has ruined much of who I am. But it’s time to stand, it’s time to look at who I am and REMOVE the bits that are in the way. That took me to the google search.

HOW DO I REMOVE MY EGO

I am not the Wikipedia on everything. So where do I start.

The Huffington post listed 5 steps.

1. Practice forgiveness and Letting go .

2 practice honesty and being open.

3 surrender my need for control.

4 Enjoy silent moments with yourself.

5 Practice Gratitude.

Well this are the 5 things I am going to be working on going forwards. Number 3 is for sure the hardest for me. Except I am going to add a number 6.

6 Think less about me and more about others.

Have a great day, and remember it’s not necessarily someone else’s fault. It could be a change you make in you that makes the difference.

Fonz

http://www.fonzandcancer.com

Follow me on Twitter

@fonzmark

Instagram

@fonzymark

Email – fonzicloud@icloud.com

Everything you read, are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. People share

with others, if it meant something to you, it will to some

one else. All images are from a Google search. Or my own taken whilst creating memories every day.

You could change a life by sharing this post!

Will you?

Copyright ©2018

Dad, I am sorry my ego stopped me from seeing you yesterday, but I hope you have a great day today, and Happy Birthday. Thanks for all the times we do share together.

Former military member honours veterans at Halifax business

Former military member honours veterans at Halifax business

Former military member honours veterans at Halifax business
— Read on globalnews.ca/news/4651595/former-military-member-honours-veterans/

Holding back the tears

Tags

attitude, become, desire, destiny, encouragement, energy, faith, new, Peace, strength, survived, tears

I have just been talking to our friend who comes every week and makes living easier. She a beautiful soul and someone I can cry in front of; and many times I have. She reminded me this morning of why we have tears, the purpose behind them. I always say that a tear is pain we have within us being released in a natural way. When people grieve there are tears, when we have pain there are tears. Yet so many are used to holding them back. Do we think that holding back tears is a good thing. Why is it a good thing? So others can’t see weakness maybe. So you continue to look strong in others eyes. Well that’s a pride thing, to even worry about what someone else things can be pride. It is also something that means we are considering others which is a good thing so we should not confuse the two.

I remember when I was having I C E chemo to prepare me for my transplant how painful it was. Yet tears back then were just releasing the pain given to me by that nasty chemo. I had to break it down into sections. Sections that meant I had small goals that I achieved even through the tears there could be victory. Small goals are important. Tears seem never ending when dealing with grief sometimes. I liken it to a tunnel, a dark black tunnel that seems to have consumed you. But as I am sat here writing this blog on Friday 9th November 12.09pm. I have realised something. That even a hole has to have an end, be it the other side or the bottom of it. A tunnel has an end, in fact often there is light at the end. It leads me to think about the real purpose of a tear. While we know tears cleanse our bodies, releasing chemicals that are not required. Do they not also cleanse our soul.

You know that the bible even teaches us as Jesus talked to his disciples, preparing them for his death. Saying

“Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds”

This verse has been translated over and over again. Some miss it’s purpose. But in honesty it’s Jesus way of teaching us that what we want to be, who we are proud of. Has to die, or we will not be the blessing to others that we hope to be.

Tears are symbolic of pain being released from our bodies and are an integral part for us to reach the end of our journey. Tears are NOT a sign of weakness they are your bodies way of dealing with things. It’s a natural way for us to gain strength in the future. Actually I would go so far as to say the purpose of this blog is to help you realise that tears have a purpose. They are there for our benefit. Letting tears go, helps us to heal. They really do, each one is a part of your pain smashing to the ground and never to return. Allowing yourself time to grieve over what ever it is that’s changed in your life is very important.

‘

Did you know that cancer carers and suffers suffer grief. Do you know why? It’s because part of you is no longer going to be you in the future. So some hold back the tears, it’s their way of holding onto who we are not what we will become. I can’t believe that I am having to look at new ways of being mobile as the pain in my hips does not ever disappear. It takes a colossal amount of pain killers just to get we up and out the house. Yet even in that there are positives to find. But let’s not digress.

While the old you maybe gone, while someone you love maybe gone. While the life you knew maybe different, our bodies empathise and wants you to come to that important place of acceptance .

What you were will never be who you become anyway, so tears are a good thing, they pave the way for the new you that you will become.

The one thing cancer treatment does do for us, is give us a goal. It gives us a series of days that make us cry, yet when the tears subside. We will see sunshine on a different day, we will leave the journey behind and although the affects of treatment are not pleasant. The fact we have life still remains. Allow yourself to cry, allow your body to deal with what you are going through. It’s important for you to be able to empathise with others, having gone through the tunnel others that face it will want to know about your experiences.

Tears actually lead to strength. The question is after reading this blog post will you “hold back the tears” or will you allow yourself to be the new you that you are becoming?

Fonz

http://www.fonzandcancer.com
Follow me on Twitter
@fonzmark
Instagram
@fonzymark
Email – fonzicloud@icloud.com

Everything you read, are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. People share
with others, if it meant something to you, it will to some
one else. All images are from a Google search. Or my own taken whilst creating memories every day.

You could change a life by sharing this post!
Will you?
Copyright ©2018