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Sometimes ya gotta put it out there to encourage folk. So here ya go for an encouraging post.

Just gonna be honest!

I don’t know how I am still alive, I have battled with my mental health for some years. I had thought of suicide many many times. Thoughts of failure, and that even breath is wasted on me. Not many people have been there for me in this state, but there have been a few. Thank you to you. You don’t know how close to the edge I have been living. Thank God for my wife dogs parents and a few really good friends.

The pain caused by chemo was the worst! 7 years I lived with it before I was able to muster up enough faith to believe I would be healed. Try as I might I am unable to remember what that pain felt like. Yet, it was the worst pain I had even known in the whole of my life! Pains debilitating and takes your focus away from what truly matters. I have been fat and felt so so low at times I spent hours in tears! Seriously you have no idea what life has been like.

Even therapy didn’t help me, most certainly when a school friend who knew me well committed suicide I felt life could not be lived in my body anymore either and even gave me the strength to feel it was my way out also. I had talked that same man down off a bridge 20 yrs earlier and I kinda felt comfort that he had lived those years because I was there for him in the middle of the night. R.I.P. Si!

Other people have passed recently including my uncle of (yes you guessed it) cancer! How can a man hold onto his faith when faced with so much. I did!

Running my cancer group has been so so hard encouraging people facing losing their life, and actually loosing people you helped in their cancer fight. That has been very difficult also. Then there have been the people that have made life harder by talking about me not working behind my back! Knowing where that came from made me loose faith, people stopped coming to see me, I guess because it’s so hard to always be positive for someone. Yet the positivity folk did show helped me carry on. I have held onto my dog faith so so many times while she licked the tears from my face!

You have to hold on to what ever it is that helps you through! For me it’s been my faith my wife, my parents, close friends and my dogs! It does not matter what helps you but hold onto it as tight as you can. That brings me to this blog and how much it’s helped me to write things down. That writing has almost been my own defiance to not give in just yet. Recently my focus has been on getting things done around the house, like the massive amount of wood I had ready for cutting up. I have just been in to much pain to bear it. That too was depressing.

Looking back now I have been in a horrendous period of depression. I trained myself in the mirror to not show how I felt. To smile even when things were against me. The hardest part in all of this has been holding my head up and maintaining my decency, my hope, and my faith. Yet I believe in it all God has had his hand on my life! You see if you just have faith, it’s not enough. That’s like having a ship on the sea out of the harbour. How can you have faith if that faith you have is not anchored to hope. If you make hope your anchor to faith you will carry on.

This morning I got up at 4.50am because I so wanted to be out in the world and see the sun rise. I was disappointed this morning but Saturdays sunrise was awesome so I had seen it but ya can’t be greedy in life can you. My girls enjoyed the beach.

So my message to you today, yes you. Is to say. Hold on, keep on keeping on. Grip hard to what you know makes sense. Never let go of your hope even through your tears hold on to your hope, that is the anchor to your faith! That lion king moment comes to mind. “You are more than what you have become” you are only being told you can’t because you can. I was nearly a 42″ waist it’s taken an amazing amount of determination to get into my 36″ Levi’s. But I want you to know, if I can, you can.

God bless you all

Life’s worth living!


PS You won’t achieve anything if you don’t set foot on the journey. I could not tie my laces I was that fat. I can now.

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Email – fonzicloud@icloud.com

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