This is my church, this is where I heal my hurts.

Tags

church, family, honesty, hope, love

This is my church

This is where I heal my hurts

This is my church

This is where I heal my hurts

This is my church

This is where I heal my hurts
It’s a natural grace

Of watching young life shape

It’s in minor keys

Solutions and remedies

Enemies becoming friends

When bitterness ends
This is my church [2x]

This is where I heal my hurts

For tonight

God is a DJ
This is my church

This is where I heal my hurts

  
Of course it means my blog to me,  it means the people that I speak to daily. People on CS,  the word church means “people” it means that we as a group of people make up church. It is not a building, it is not a place made from bricks. It’s a place where real people meet, and are real. Not judgmental people, being hypocrites on a Sunday. Being a different person on a Monday to the person they show they are on a Sunday. It’s about accepting people for who they are, maybe suggesting new ways to be. But just acceptance, not judging mistakes. Only one can do that, and I know for a fact that is not me.

  
It’s sad to say, but for me. I only felt at home in one church, a church in Swansea. Called new covenant, it’s the only place I found where people were real and didn’t ask for money every week. It’s about giving and being the best you everyday. It’s about giving from the heart because you want to, not because a minister says you have to. For me anyway, church is not even possible for some people which is why so many find solice on the Internet. We find comfort in Gods people, We find that people in worse situations than us reach out to us.

  
Don’t get me wrong I think there is a place for church, but not for condemnation. Church should be a place of acceptance, a place where you feel at home, not pointed at and judged. The verse in the bible springs to mind Mathew 7 vs 1 “judge not, or you yourself will be judged” 

I hope this makes sense to someone.

Have a great day.

Mark

http://www.fonzandcancer.com
Follow me on Twitter
@fonzmark
Everything you read are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. Please share with others, if it meant something to you it will to someone else. It took me an hour to write, but will take you a second to share.

Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.

Tags

cancer, Cancer stories, chemothearopy, death, decide to live, decision, determination, honesty, hope, love, will

It’s only when we think we can’t carry on that we find the real substance of a person. We have all been there, head in your hands feeling that overwhelming feeling of uselessness. That there, is where life begins. Where the real fighters start to live a life. It’s where you find out what a person is truly made of, as I write I am reminded of a time where I decided (seemingly) that I was going to have no more chemo. It was mid way through my first treatment called ABVD. For those that don’t know, my first treatment lasted 6 months. 12 chemo son in all every 2 weeks. It’s such a shame I never documented anything, no diary no thoughts. Just my memory that fails me, that I have to work with. I remember being at the end of what I could bear. 6 was enough and I did not think I could take any more.

  
I had chemo on a Thursday back then, my decision could be a life threatening one as cancer was in my bones, allot of organs as my deceased blood poisoned my whole body. I remember being so stubborn, saying to Andie I can’t, saying I won’t. What was I doing, why did I want to self destruct by not having treatment. I did not know what I know now with regards to diet, and nutrition. It was suicide to not have the treatment I was being offered. You see I was on a trial, which meant they were learning from my treatment. So others could be treated better in the future. The chemo was also an acumalative treatment which means that chemo builds up in my body until cancer can’t live there any more.
Unbeknown to Andie I had spoken to my specialist nurse who had bought me time. The next day 4pm to decide if I would carry on. The whole of Thursday and Friday I did not speak to anyone, dismissing conversations. Feeling genuinely unhappy to be alive, unhappy I had cancer. Exstremly angry that I had even had cancer, every time a canular went in I would cry. It was a horrendous time. A time I like to forget but for a couple of people what I write may make sense so it’s for those people I write this. 

  
That dark day in September 2011 I had given up on life, given up on us. Given up on chemo, I had quite literally agreed with myself that I would die. Life ends here, I will not carry on. I know Andie pleaded with me to not give up, looking around with tears in our eyes. You want to give up on us she said, we were looking for each other all of our lives. It was a very sad dark time, one I have only just now revisited now for you. So that you understand that your not alone, that it’s normal to want to stop the pain. That chemo is most proberbly the worst thing you will ever deal with in a world where pain exsists.

  
I am still here though ain’t I, still trying to encourage people that there IS life after cancer. That it’s down to us to make the right choices. The next day was D day in our house, a day I had to dig in. I remember being knelt down with my arms aloft crying out aloud, asking the God of my understanding to touch me in some way. To help me to find the strength inside of me to carry on, that was a tough old day. A day I had to decide and I alone that I would carry on the battle.

  
That’s when I started to become strong, I started to stand and move forwards. Arranging for my next chemo to start the next week and focusing on finishing treatment for US. That us was important enough to endure this path. The purpose of this blog is to say these words to you. YOU CAN, just stand and move forwards,mbecause you feel at the end of your comfort zone, this is where you will show others what you are made of. The substance you have within, going that one more round when you don’t think you can. Well YOU CAN. TRUST ME.

Mark

http://www.fonzandcancer.com
Follow me on Twitter
@fonzmark
Everything you read are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. Please share with others, if it meant something to you it will to someone else.

Because there is an us.

Tags

cancer, Cancerstories, family, honesty, love, Markblackwell, support

We are just remembering the journey, my wife sharing with me how she felt at certain times. You have to be a special kind of person to care for the one you love in cancer treatment. Or any treatment for that matter. The person caring is on their own journey, they are also being drained of positivity. It’s upsetting writing this, the screen is blurred but you need to know what I will write. This is so others can have some understanding, of what it’s like, what its like to see the life drain from your husbands body. There were 2 people that asked me to go into that room, my wife and my best (male) friend.  I made the promise that I would do it, knowing those people would be there for me at my time of need.

  
The only reason I went in that room was because there is an us, because we are the reason we do. We have a purpose to survive, for each other. It’s really nice to have a person that you know loves you with their whole heart. It’s a source of strength, motivation even. As a carer or a sufferer it’s hard as you scroll through your phone on a Saturday night isolated from the world to know who you could call. You think about their situation before you make the call, you wonder who you will disturb and what impact that would have on their week and or evening. For me I had people I knew I not only could call but would be annoyed if I didn’t call. The people were (disguising their identities) The chemist, the retailer, and the money man. These people despite the things they were facing daily made time for us. They showed unconditional love for us, they gave me strength to carry on, because they believed in us.

  
It’s amazing that these people made me smile in this situation, they even made me laugh. This is what someone needs when faced with cancer and the effects of treatment. It upsets me to think some people didn’t call because they did not know what to say. It’s normality a person craves amongst all the nastiness. I was so fortunate to have those people in my life, I am thankful those people are still in my life. Don’t get me wrong, there were other people I could call but you ain’t gonna call a shovel monkey working nights. Or your parents when they have church the next day, or your brother when he is enjoying family time.

Just knowing you are loved completely gives you the extra strength you need to carry on. It’s funny how men don’t like to admit they love someone completely. I however love to say it, I want to shout it from the rooftops that I have survived and I am still able to hold my wife’s hand.

  
Just remember the phone call you make to that person, could make a huge difference in their life. You could be the one that makes the difference between  self belief and deflation. You could be the tonic someone needs to carry on, your words could be used to give someone the will to carry on.  What you do in someone’s life, surely is better than not doing. Whilst some people chose to do that in our journey, many could not muster up the right words. That’s why I am so grateful for our group  cancer stories (a support group) we are open there and you can read when you like and have a considered response when you like. It’s a place where we can all share our experiences.

  
Remember no one else can do what  you can, you are someone’s hope, their life line and only you can make that happen. Hope you have a great day being you.

Mark