Time for some honesty.

Tags

Cancer stories, energy, fatigue, fulfilment, hope, living, love, reality, recovery, work

Dont think by the title of this that I am not honest with myself, because I most certainly am. The truth is though I have been feeling quite lonely, like I am a spare part. You see when your in treatment your busy, your visiting hospitals all the time. Your doctors become your friend, being woken up in the night because your pic line is wrapped around your neck becomes the norm. I don’t have any of that now, just this journey called recovery. It’s like life has come to a screeching halt, and after life was so packed full of visits, I need to do something more and I am starting to put pressure on myself to do that. That’s not good, I can’t feel stress like I used to, I can’t live my life in the rat race anymore. Why did I get cancer in the first place, well I think it was brought on by neighbours that drank till silly hours of the morning, when we both needed to be up for work the next day. Knocking on the walls, throwing bottles over the fence and sleeping in till ridiculous o’clock.

  
I like to sort problems out there and then, but there was non of that with these people they seemed to be on self destruct. My blood boiled every night, I had my fists clenched most evenings because of it. Their TV was mounted on the wall that was an adjoining wall, which always was at high volume. It was a horrific 4 years. The house we live in now has no such problems, we don’t have a connecting wall with a Nieghbour and feel fortunate to have good neighbours around us. Sometimes you have to make your own luck in life though don’t we,  we have to make a move that will make life easier and better. 

  
We have been very fortunate in my cancer journey, people from all over the world have supported us, as far away as Australia. When I think about going back to work ( it’s been a long time ) I can’t help thinking that helping people is where I need to be, comforting families and being compassionate towards others that are fighting. Really I need to be dedicating my life to doing that not building an empire. Putting pressure on myself to earn a decent income again, there are opportunities out there that I think I will have a go at, but have no exspectations of income.   

Even whilst on my own journey, I have reached out to others offering a helping hand. I actually found it helped me to reach out, I felt needed and appreciated. Now it just feels like I am being lazy, getting my strength back is so important. People are always commenting how healthy I look, how amazed they are at how well I look. That’s just the outside though, trust me it does not feel like that from inside. I still feel tired allot, and feel that walking is an effort, you won’t ever see that when you look at me. You will just see a determined man, doing his best to give the best of me to my wife. Cancer fatigue is like wading through thick mud as you step forwards, it’s not like a normal tired where a little sleep will sort you out. It’s hard to exsplain unless you have felt it yourself.

  
I just felt today that I needed to tell you how it is, that it’s not all as rosey as it may appear from the outside. That also if your feeling something similar to me, that you are not alone, that it’s normal. I most certainly need a new challenge but for now until I find that new challenge that fits in with my situation in recovery then I will continue to write here, I WILL continue to DO. I guess I give myself a hard time, but if I don’t who can. I am almost convincing myself writing this singular blog. To stop blogging and get back on with my book. I have not picked it up for a while because someone discourages me from writing it, saying no one will want to read about me. But you know what, it’s time to listen to myself. It’s time to complete what I set out to do, there are people out there that have encouraged me no matter what, and I should blank out the rest and just focus on the positives. Listen to the advice despensed in that blog called fonzandcancer. 

  
Forgive me for my ramblings. No prizes for guessing what I am doing today.

I hope you have a great day, and thanks for reading.

Mark

http://www.fonzandcancer.com
Follow me on Twitter
@fonzmark
Everything you read are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. Please share with others, if it meant something to you it will to someone else. It took me an hour to write, but will take you a second to share.

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My Andie

Tags

belief, cancer, Cancer stories, Compassion, encouragment, happiness, hope, kindness, life, living, love, marriage, perfect, perfectlove, relationship, soul mate, tenderness

I guess there is more than 1 person that’s compatible with another person. But for me there is only one that has filled that void. Only one person that I can call my soul mate, her name is Andie. She has remained by my side through thick and thin, she is a person that will stay by my side even when it’s raining and the world seems to be against us. She says this statement often.

   
“It’s not the people who sit with you in the limo, drinking champagne we call friends. It’s the ones that help push, when it breaks down. They are your real friends.” There is no doubt that she does that, and I hope she feels that it’s reciprocated.

  
There is no one on this planet like my Andrea, she has proved her love for me over and over again. To have her by my side makes me not only feel stronger, but makes me believe in the us that is our marriage. We are tough, we are sensitive, we are caring, but most of all we are secure with each other in the knowledge that there is an us.

  
My wife is the person that supports my choices even if some may not agree, she is like the strength in my weakness. She is my guide when I see no light, my warmth when I feel cold. She is  positive when I see no way out, Andie is my grace when I lack faith. She helps me to see a way where there appears to be a road block. She is my reason, when I feel deflated. Andie is faithful and strong, giving even when she feels she has nothing left to give. There is only one Andie, that person is my wife, and my life. I give myself to her and her alone forsaking all others.

  
Andie has been my dependable rock, someone who I am able to rely on. She makes me proud to married to her, and I feel privileged to call her my best friend. Even when cancer appeared to be taking my life, she believed in me and gave me the strength to reach up, have faith and carry on the fight. Andie has believed in me right from the start,  and has never waivered in believing  that I would survive. Everyone needs an Andie in their life. Life is to short to argue, fuss and fight. There is a great strength in WE, and because of the we in us “WE” are stronger. 

  
I hope with my whole heart that you have a similar experience in your life. There is no room to waste time with second bests, you deserve it to yourself to be and have the best you can. Settling for second best is a sad place to be (I know) but enjoying the best takes effort on both sides, maintenance, sensitivity, gentleness, consideration and above all else putting each other first. In the act of putting each other first we find all that 2 humans can give to each other, blessed by one more powerful than us. Known to me as Agape.

  
Giving is a beautiful way to live, putting your partner first is everything. Enjoy each other.

Have a great week

Mark

http://www.fonzandcancer.com
Follow me on Twitter
@fonzmark
Everything you read are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. Please share with others, if it meant something to you it will to someone else.

DO OR DO NOT, THERE IS NO TRY.

Tags

cancer, Cancerstories, forever, life, live, living, love, loving, memories, starwars, yoda

Do or do not, there is no try.

One of the things you can’t do, yes I know I said the word I don’t use. But how can someone try, how can a person say for instance “I will TRY to beat cancer” how can any person try to do anything. What does try mean. For me it’s DO or DO NOT. Don’t play at life, it’s a life to enjoy not endure, although I do realise that we all have to endure things in life if we are to achieve anything. Success is in achievement, not trying. I don’t even think the word should exsist.

  
Take this example, when I had the conversation with Benny it went like this. ” Do you think I should have the bone marrow transplant Benny” ? You have to realise we have the same mentality, the same ethos the same will and drive to succeed. If we put our minds to anything we do, we don’t try. We believe in our capabilities, and if we don’t know the answer we ask or find out what the answer is and make it happen.

  
His response was to say this “Mark I want you around for a long time we have allot more fun to have yet” how true, but maybe he will never know how much strength he gave me by saying that. how amazing that we can do what ever it is we want to do, we just have to be unwaivered in our quest. Be diligent and determined to make something happen. It boils down to people deciding to be assertive or wishy washy. Those that know me know, I don’t do wishy washy. It’s not how things get done, it’s not how I can make anything happen.

  
I did what I did (beating cancer twice) because I focused on the end result and believed I could DO. I focused on doing not trying, I also did it for the people that wanted me to beat it, my wife of course was at the top of that list as was family. I believe everyone is capable of being the winner. I believe it’s in Us all, but we must never say try only do or do not. There is no grey area in my head anyway.
What do you think?
Have a great day
Mark 
http://www.fonzandcancer.com
Follow me on Twitter
@fonzmark
Everything you read are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. Please share with others, if it meant something to you it will to someone else.

Respect for life.

Tags

change, food, fruit, gift, hope, life, living, love, loving, nature, Plants, remedy

As you get older, you realise how valuable life is. Yet as young people we don’t realise the value what so ever. Well I didn’t anyway. People always said to me, “eat your veg” I never did much proberbly a contribution to my cancer. 10 years ago I made no consideration to my welfare, I was not afraid of much and just did. I gave it all or nothing there was no in between. I guess I am still a little like it now, although I would prefer it if I would be more considered. 

  
Having fought for a life you learn what you need to do to preserve it, and quite obviously I do need to more careful now than ever before. When I was in Turkey feeling ill, I felt like a seal stranded on a piece of ice surrounded by killer whales. I got really scared, insecure, and sad. Because I knew I would have to go home and leave my friends. It’s a consequence of a vicious fight, that I won. The hardest fight anyone will face is to beat illness and maintain your health. It’s worth it though. As someone on Our Cancer Stories group said today, read read read. We are uneducated with regards to preventing our bodies from malfunction. 

  
If we educate ourselves surely we will higher our chances of beating disease. Trouble is you more seseptable to stuff when you have had chemo! your immune system is compromised and your much more likely to catch something else. It seems to me that plants heal you, yea I know I am sounding all hippi but I think there is some mileage in it. The fact that I came back from Turkey with a cold and it has nearly gone says allot to me. 3 days of eating greens and fruit and the lemon tonic prescribed by nurse Andie. I am starting to feel lots better and feel confident that we will be able to do and go where we need to in the next couple of weeks. 

  
For me a party is awesome, I love it. But not one that compromises a already compromised immune system.thats how I think now, it’s a change. But really there is only one word that’s changed for me, that is respect for myself. Respect for my family, and friends that I won’t put myself in a compromising situation that will make me ill again. Life is to important, it’s not a game it’s a privalage to be here. I am educating myself, helping myself to understand what things do my body good. Surely what ever is growing in the ground has the answers to restoration to our bodies. That plants have enzymes in them that would float around our blood fighting off illness. Combined with everything in moderation, we give ourselves longevity. Let me tell you, longevity is what I am looking for now. Ways to sustain me longer and help others do the same.

  
You are precious, but only you can treat you right. It’s up to you what you put in your body, I have replaced doughnuts with an interesting salad. Made from rocket leaves, sweet chilli peppers, chopped cheese, tomatoes, crayfish tails, and a bit of balsamic vinegar. Gotta be better for me as a snack, I am losing weight in the last 3 days I am not trying but cutting out bread has helped as well. It’s our choice how we treat ourselves and it’s never to late to change our habits to give us a better chance is there. 

  
Have a great week.

Mark

http://www.fonzandcancer.com
Follow me on Twitter
@fonzmark
Everything you read are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. Please share with others, if it meant something to you it will to someone else.

Today is a gift.

Tags

belief, believing, Belive, empathy, fear, gift, giving, healing, hope, life, living, love, motivation, self, today

I am remembering a story I was told as a child, a parable about a blind man. Jesus put mud on his eyes . After removal of the mud, the man could see. This is a bit like me now, knowing what it’s like to have cancer makes you see the world differently. It’s like you have been blind but you can see again. I saw life very differently before I had cancer, maybe even thought I was indistructable. I did not ever think that the man that I was would become so ill. I never thought I would have to fight for my life. 

  
One thing I always believed though, was that I would win. Don’t get me wrong I had days even weeks where I felt I would not make it, but I always believed with Faith no matter how hard it was. I know my friend Deanna watches my journey as I do hers, we have both been on a similar journey both beating cancer twice with similar attitudes to life. You can’t feel what we feel unless you have had to fight like we have. Beating it twice makes the world seem like a different place, I am still here with a life. 

  
What am I trying to say, well I want you to know that life after cancer, is like have the mud removed from your eyes. It means you can see again, we imagine our future very differently to life before cancer that’s for sure. Compassion is more real, love is more meaningful. Family becomes more important, things become irrelevant. Whilst at the same time appreciating what you have. One thing I do know is, that my life needs to benefit others daily. My life needs to help others, after all I would have been dead without the fight that’s now behind me. 

  
Parts of me are glad I have been touched by cancer, to enable me to see life in this new positive way. I have always been positive, but it’s a different  kind of positive now. It’s a place where I see the good in nearly all situations, a place where I am grateful to have what we have. I am pleased to see the sunshine or the rain, what ever happens it’s a new day and the past is behind us. We can only change who we are today, it’s the only day we have. That’s how I see life now, that today is a gift. That today is more special with you in it, your reading this because you have a life. Because you are living your gift, don’t you think that’s amazing.

  
Well  be amazed because you are amazing. But you have to believe that. You have to look in the mirror and tell yourself that. God knows I have made mistakes, I still do.  Am grateful to be alive, and I hope you are able to see a snippet of what today really means.

Enjoy today,

Mark

love

Tags

belief, bible, concern, consideration, dogs, emothion, faith, fiendships, friendship, giving, insight, living, love, loved, lover, loving, quality, religeon, warm

I am writing a book, it’s been on the go for sometime. Unfortunately I keep making excuses not to pick it up again and really get stuck in. Not something I want to be doing in here anyway really. I am here to heal and beat Cancer. Today I am going to talk with about love made perfect. What perfect love is and how some of us aim for that goal and some just give up on it.

What does love mean to me? Love is unconditional, it just gives. It does not count how much something  costs, rather gives you overwealming joy to give love to someone everyday.

We have a dog she’s called faith

She is 1 of the rare pink nosed beasts. My brother also has a dog named coco Chanel, I call her hippo as she is allowed to gobble anything in her walk, after eight mints, cat food, treats often. Then we have this fine beast you see before you, well trained. Obedient and ball focused, she loves other dogs and does not try to dominate other dogs rather just love them. I think coco loves faith but not in quite the way that faith loves coco.

The love I am trying to exsplain though is nothing Like what coco thinks is love towards her cousin faith. These are 2 girls and coco has not realised that putting herself on faith is the right way, although it’s her way. Both girls need to be loved and are loved. Both are unconditional. Just I am not so sure both parties feel appreciative of the method. We all in life have different ways to show how we care. Show how we love.

“Love cures people,both the ones who give it, and the ones who receive it” Dr Karl Menninger

It’s clearly exsplained to us what love is in 1 Corinthians 13 of the bible (basic instruction before leaving earth) my friend Jimmy, sends me everyday some words of encouragement. He does not want anything in return. He gives freely his words as a gift from him to me. Which everyday has a knock on effect, and encourages me to write here blogs everyday.

As a Cancer suffer for some 7 years I have learned that we ( the sufferer ) can use this Cancer to benefit and encourage others. We are after all people on the same rd. the hardest people to love though are the ones that don’t see eye to eye with us. Love them anyway, try not to judge them. Just love them anyway. Don’t speak of it, bring them a coffee in the office every morning. Surprise them by being nice. I am always saying to my wife “it’s nice to be nice” be nice to that guy and love them without condition. The bible speaks of a statement that I follow.

  
 “You reap what you sow” I sow allot but reap sometimes. Cancer does not have to be a curse we can use it to bless others. In the heamatology ward at southport they have a drinks machine. When I go in for bloods ect I always go and speak to every person on the MDU and ask them if they need a coffee or tea. We Engadge in chatter if they like to. But no matter what happens I just love to see the smiles as my own heart gets warmed as well by doing such a menial thing. Finally perfect love CASTS out all fear. This is called agape. Google it and see for yourself.

I hope you have had a smile whilst reading this today, if you enjoyed it. Why not mail it to your friends to have a read. No one has passed my blogs on by mail as far as I am aware but I would appreciate it. Let’s make a domino effect of loving people today.

You in?

Mark