Trapped.
I know some people may think “oh no not again” but I am sorry. My rule is that one person gets something from what I write. I have had a lot of codine today to get through it, to even do something. Someone said to me today ” most people would have not left the house today, so your way ahead of them” kind they took the time to say that to me. Even so, I just feel as though my very own body is my prison, a place I take with me where ever I go. Location does not help, pain killers dull it for a period but are for sure no cure. It’s upsetting in life that people don’t, and can’t understand how debilitating pain is. Not even my wife understands, and if you meet someone that does. The pain is still there, it’s starting to wear me down to the point where I would rather be without any pain what so ever. To just leave the world so to speak, the cliff I jump off at the Gower pernicular (Swansea) has my 90’s stereo next to me playing.
Sometimes I just want to take off, say goodbye to what earth has to offer. I do know however that I made some differance with the life I have right now. That I helped some people along the way, but I am not feeling like there is a point to a life of pain. The song says everything I feel in real life. I remember sitting on that cliff some years ago, it was sunny and there were ships in the distance. I think about that day a lot, I thank God even sometimes that I never jumped. That I resisted being so fucking selfish. Oh yes this is honest, because I am high as a kite on codine. Taken just to be able to do something, trapped in a body of pain. Knowing there is nothing anyone can do, so every time I stand up from my seated position and look down (I have vertigo) see the splashing sea. For a moment I have peace as I feel myself in flight towards the rocks below. But then turn and walk the other way.
It’s funny the view when you have walked 40 metres or so. You just see sea and ships in the distance, and you could almost fly if you wanted to. Whilst my honesty in my blogs others may feel, some people actually frequented nut houses for revealing such thoughts they had. Making a differance in life, it’s gotta be worth it right. Otherwise what’s the point, all I know is I am not able to escape. I know that room was bad, not being able to leave for a few weeks. Having the very drugs that give me my pain I feel today. Well I am sick of it, sick of having to have the pain killers. I want out and I want to stop the feeling of sinking, the feeling of drowning in myself. I am stumbling around in my mind, finding something to rest on all the time, they tell me it’s gonna get worse. That I will be in a wheelchair, that I won’t be able to.
Well listen to the words of this song if you feel like I do. Your still breathing, and even though I and even you maybe close to the edge. We have the gift of lives, I have learned a lot in the last year or two. But one thing I know is that you and I are connected. We are connected in this web called life, you can choose to be or not to be. Ultimutley whilst we still have a breath to take we can still make a differance. It’s us that chooses to live, and whilst I know it’s on the edge and will be till the last breath I take, I will carry on. I must. Tonight should be my last but I will choose to carry on. Pain or no pain, sometimes I cut myself, and don’t feel a thing. I wonder what fire would be like to walk through, to feel that pain, maybe the pain inside my body would disappear.
I don’t know if you understand any of what I am saying here, maybe you think I am nuts. (Your right) but one thing I have to do is get up again tomorrow and choose to breath again. Today was a bad day, people did not get me and never had a chance to before the delete button was pressed. That’s another blog. For now I leave you with this, use your senses to live, use them to appreciate what’s around you, who. To those that I have loved, I remember you. To those I do love, I am doing this for you. Putting my feet forwards because you matter, life’s crazy and can make you that way to. You will never ever be the same again, these blogs I have written are here for ever. Do something that’s here forever, switch off that television set and find something more interesting to do.
Most of my life I have been misunderstood, I have only just really started to not care. What were they doing trying to understand me anyway.
Keep breathing
Fonz
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Everything you read are better based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them hereby to encourage you. Please share with others, if it meant soumething tou you it will to someone else. All images are from a Google search. Or my own, taken whilst creating memories every day.
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fonzandcancer blogging to encourage. 
I don’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but I’m truly sorry you’re in so much pain. In my efforts to avoid a cliched response, I will just say that my thoughts go out to you. Thank you for having the courage to post and to not end your life.
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Thanks so much for consideration 😌
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Oh Mark. I wish there was a way to take some of the pain away from you. To share the burden somehow. Keep on keeping on. I had no idea how severe the pain is. Stay strong. Sending you all our love.
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Why would you, no one does. I mask it quite well and time when I take pain killers to enable visits ect. Life’s not fair is it Eric. But it’s life at least. X
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I wrote something on my blog on December 30th entitled “Pain, endless bouts…” about the suffering I endure and I remembered you and another blogger who also deal with constant pain. I posted it to make people aware that it is the lot in life of some to have to endure such things, and to purge myself for the moment of my sorrow. I pray that somehow, some way, you find some kind of relief. Love and hugs, Natalie
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We are just the people that are courageous enough to talk about it. I wonder how many suffer in silence never speaking out. I do for my own sanity. It’s better somehow to let it out than to keep what I think locked up. I hope you have a good day today. Much love Fonz xx
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Fonz, I’m sorry that your pain makes you feel so isolated sometimes. I once read a book entitled “What You Can Say When You Don’t Know What to Say”. It talked about how people don’t know what to say to someone who is suffering, especially when they haven’t suffered something similar themselves, and so they say nothing or the wrong thing. I hope you find the support you need to keep fighting. I know sometimes that my emotional pain makes me want to chuck it, but I’ve seen my husband deal with two suicides already in his life and know that while it feels like relief to the person who commits it, it can be a huge burden to the people they leave behind. I pray for you to find relief from pain. Maybe a pain treatment center could help? Some people find cancer pain management with medical marijuana. I don’t know your circumstances but I know you are hurting terribly and I wish I could help you but I can’t. I can just tell you that I hear your words and feel your pain emotionally even if I can’t feel it physically. God be with you and with your treatment providers to give them wisdom to know how best to use their skills to help you.
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You speak wise words, I am actually at a pain clinic that I attend. I find them (the people) understanding. I am contemplating Marijuana I mean why does it grow on earth if we are nit able to gain relief from it. I am in the U.K. And it’s illegal here. Thanks for your message, I can tell it was sent in kindness. 😊
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Best wishes for your future Fonz.
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Ditto x
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Keep fighting Mark. You will prevail.
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Thanks Peter.
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Praying for you. Oh, I am praying for you. May God give you the strength and relief you need to face all your days.
This particular post opened my eyes to the way I feel about a few issue I am facing. Part of your purpose here? I guess only God would truly know. You are a blessing to many. I have tears in my eyes right now. Please seek Him to find what you need.
Blessings
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Hiya Liz, I just want to thank you from my heart that you read and also that you take the time to comment. It’s encouragement beyond what can be mustered by ones self. Many times I find myself on my knees asking for strength. My wife knew I would be ill though the building work and said I would not manage the walk. It’s all to easy to delete a problem isn’t it in this world. Don’t like it, delete.
Just wish this pain came with a delete button. Life was pretty rosey at one time but even then there were prickles. Thanks again. Xx
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You are so welcome. I have some very serious health issues, as well. Perhaps not as bad as what you are facing, but at least I know I am not alone in the journey of pain.
It would be nice if ALL pain had a delete button!
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Wouldn’t it just. Delete. Delete. I wonder if that will happen one day.
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In our days of mechanical and electronic wonders? You never know.
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True isn’t it.
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