3 years today, in isolation having my transplant. If your having a bad day read this, I guarantee it won’t be as bad after you have read it.
I will never forget the rocky film 4 when Adrian says to Rocky as he is about to fight the Russian. I cried when she said the words “YOU CANT WIN” that’s what the world would have me believe sat in this room in isolation. This is now day 4 and day 5 is approaching. The strength I am getting from the Cancer stories is amazing, and amazing how much strength others are getting from it to. You to could be part of it as this cruel bone marrow transplant takes place.
I remember as a small boy, I really wanted a bike but I was only 4. My prayer to God was “I believe I will get a bike thank you God for my bike” I got that bike with solid tyres a few days later. Another prayer I prayed was “Lord I know why you made the…
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Today’s not a day I want to repeat, the feelings of giving up and jumping off the planet are all consuming. No one can see in our heads and if there was a door I would say. Please don’t open it. My mental health it has to be said is not right, the list is long as to why. But I guess it’s normal for people, and I won’t be the first to feel like life’s not worth it. Thank God for my dogs that follow me absolutely everywhere. Accepted without judgement. There are things going on in my life and finding a lump in my body has just messed with my Melon. I am struggling really badly right now. The sun is shining, yet all I can see is darkness and negativity.
Normally my blog posts are to encourage others, but today I am weak. Feeling low in worth and feel like jumping. I am holding on but only just, is there anyone out there with experience. That they have been where I am maybe.
I guess it’s all normal, but I don’t like it and I don’t like life either. I feel like I am on a raft in the middle of the sea and all I can see is a storm. Pain is a constant and while I have made in roads to be a good influence on others right now I could happily just leave the planet with no regrets.
I feel worthless right now, almost like I am in the way of others. I have become depressed with the constant stabbing pain. I can’t escape it’s there always. When I go to sleep, in my dreams and when I wake. It’s like I have been buried in pain and it grinds away your happiness.
Why would someone who has fought so hard to live end up with a want to die? Only driving in my TVR does the pain disappear. You can’t do that all the time.
Maybe I have written how I feel just for me,
but it’s here for the world to see.
How long will it be for me,
To live a life with warmth and know no pain.
It’s my 50th yr and it does not even feel like it’s something to celebrate. How strange after such a long fight. Then the thoughts of what I have found, what is it. Please not again, surly not again.
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