, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The not knowing, is without doubt the hardest. Being in a situation where you are not able to know what your future holds is hard in itself. It’s a place where you can’t do anything about your future, all you can do is wait for your diagnosis. You don’t know how hard you need to hit, you are not able to prepare yourself for the road ahead.myour in limbo until your told what you have. I remember the day I was diagnosed like it was 5 minutes ago. But my brain struggles to recall the days leading up to it, the tests after tests after tests. You find yourself at the lowest point in your life, tears roll down your face for no apparent reason. It’s like you know that the you that is now, is gone forever. It’s almost as though you are starting to grieve who you were, but yet you can’t grieve because you don’t know what you are grieving yet.All you do know is that you may have cancer, the more tests that are done the more the likley hood is that you do have cancer. But how do you fight it, is it terminal? How long do I have to live? What stage am I at? How will my family cope? All of these thoughts and many many more flood through your mind ALL the time. I remember looking up at the sky one night, thinking how selfish the people on the plane were that I could see, did they not know what I may be facing. It’s a strange place to be not knowing. It is without doubt the hardest point in my life until then. The words that would come out of the consultants mouth were to change my life forever. 

They kept predicting the stage that my possible cancer was at. 2 a was possible at first but within the space of 2 months the probability had gone up to 4a. I mean I can’t tell you how that makes you feel, the emotional roller coaster leading up to the diagnosis day. So many things were said that day, but the only word I really heard was “cancer” then that I would die quickly without treatment. It’s the time were you need your friends more than you ever did, just to take your mind off things and bring you back to some kind of old reality again. When you grieve the death of a family member, it’s not nice how you feel inside. Yet that’s exactly what I felt whilst waiting for diagnosis, grieving the me that had gone, knowing the you that you know would never be again. That there would be a new you that you did not know! 
I am now 5 1/2 years on from diagnosis, I still morn the old me. At the same time I am starting to love the new me, while at the same time learning to live my life in new boundaries. I guess I was fortunate that my cancer was treatable, but I would have loved to have just gone under the knife once to remove it it’s never that simple though is it. All this time having treatment yet I have a feeling of elation, of defiance that I have beaten this evil desease. No matter how horrendous chemo makes you feel, how scary the procedures are.mi still say the worst is the not knowing. 
Here’s lifting a glass to Life!
Enjoy what you have, life is THE most precious gift you have.

Follow me on Twitter


Our support group on our FB

Everything you read are based on my own experience and my own opinions. I express them here to encourage you. Please share with others, if it meant something to you it will to someone else.